What Are You Afraid Of?

I feel I’ve hit a creative wall. I’m the man in the box. It is hard to always be opposition to the world as it is. I find very much wrong and very few ways to fix things. My anxiety is extremely high. I contemplated a professional but I don’t want to be told how to fix myself or what pills to take. I want to be told how to fix the world. I need mentors not doctors. 

Mentors are hard to find in this world. Especially with my specific ideas on what success is. I write my friends and loved ones. I’ve contemplated writing letters to successful people. How could they possibly have time to answer me when they are busy saving the world? You never know until you try I suppose. 

I am going to take a week off from input. Global input at least. No internet for me. I took a week off from reading once and it was glorious, to just live, to just be. I don’t want to do that though because I want to work on writing and I have a very important book from the library that I am trying to finish. Without time wasted reading the constant stream of the 24 hour news cycle I will have more time for my goals. 

Being here at home alone without internet becomes very isolating. It would be perfect if I lived far enough from other people for it to be quiet and peaceful. It is never quiet and never peaceful in this world. The world fills my head with realities when all I want is possibilities. 

I killed two pens today. I should probably use the AlphaSmart3000 instead but there is just nothing like the pen and paper thing for me. There’s something about telling a story to myself. I will probably just buy another pack of pens soon. I can only write in black pen, preferably of the same type, in case it runs out I switch to a new one without it looking like different writing. That’s why I hate blue pens. They are never quite the same color blue. Colored pens seem like they are for drawings or short spurts of art and not for writing endlessly. 

It seems I should read back the last 200 pages or so I am behind on rereading. I’m sure there are some blog ideas in there sprinkled about. Sometimes it feels weird posting things after the moment has passed. I am a new person from one moment to the next. I am tired of rigid people who never change. Life is a fluid motion. You have to learn from who you were and strive for what you want to become.

Sometimes I wonder if my life will ever truly be my own. We live in a world where other people’s desires or our responsibilities dictate all we do. What would true personal freedom be like? Happiness would consist of lots of notebooks and pens, a library, and somewhere to upload my thoughts so I am not entirely isolated from the world. If I stop paying attention to the world and it’s global happenings will I still have anything to write about? My days are all very similar, trapped in a cage of my own creation or it is the creation of someone else? 

I am incapable of performing my chosen profession or rather the profession that was chosen for me by convenience. I don’t want to waste energy and time on superficial solutions. I don’t want to smear chemicals all over people’s faces to make them appear some way they are not by nature. 

I’d love to someday be the one who writes the definitive history on what happened on 9/11. That will never happen. That isn’t the writing I like to do. I want to say what I feel. I want my artistry to be my primary source of being. I am not one for the world of peer reviewed science and people who can’t think outside the box. I don’t even believe the box exists. It is a hard place to be in this world. 

Isolated. 

If I wanted to join a bowling team I’d have support. If I wanted to pick a team in baseball or football I’d have support. Want true happiness and freedom for the globe, contemplate solutions to complex economic and social problems and friends are not as easy to find. I find most people think they are entirely right. I have come to realize everyone thinks what they know is right because they have only lived their life from one perspective, what else would they think? 

Self critical people are good but also very sad. Those who are hardest on themselves usually have the most valid things to contribute. Those who are confident that their view of the world is the correct view are usually wrong. 

I don’t know if I really want freedom from my depression. I don’t know if I would even know myself without it. I am an optimist who sees the world as a realist. I understand that the world isn’t how I would make it. I also understand I am not entirely powerless to change it. I am young. 

I am often overlooked because supposedly my life experiences are invalid because either I have not had enough of them for some people’s taste, or they didn’t include enough formal schooling. Except they did include formal schooling since I’ve studied enough to have a degree, I just often stop going to class once I think I’ve gotten everything I can out of it. I have also studied subjects in such a broad range of categories they don’t apply to a specific course of study to warrant a piece of confirmation paper. 

I rather like not having the piece of paper to warrant my respect. I should warrant respect just for being a human being. I don’t believe people incapable of receiving the magic University paper lack valuable ideas. You can be too programmed to know more. You can become too used to a certain way of thinking. When that happens there is no way to change your mind. I have concluded it is our minds that must change. 

I find people aren't truly content with the media or institutions of which they are so familiar. They are just used to them. Fear grips the hearts of every being on this earth. If we continue to live in fear of change, we will never see it. Change is frightening but fundamental to life. We are ever evolving. Let go of your fears and live the life you are truly meant to live. Be the being you feel deep inside yourself. What are you afraid of?