The Day the Music Lived

I decided to start calling my friends who are dead very young from drugs or alcohol abuse "Fancy Suicide". 

This is a horrific thing to say, so, so far I have only thought it to myself. I'll probably tell Keith though now that I wrote it down. Or wrote it up. Wrote it online? 

I know I'm a creator & yet I am very unseen by the masses. I prefer it that way. I would like for someone someday to say about me, "this is her pink era, this is her blue era. This is her flower series & this is her gardening phase. This is her music era." 

I constantly create unfiltered art. I share raw unfiltered life. I am beloved for it. I am also hated for it but whose counting. I have cultivated very beautiful things. I mean all of this aside from creating a very tall, smart, well read, talented, son. So I don't have to doubt that I am a creator. 

I don't believe imposter syndrome is real. I think it is a humble brag. A bourgeoisie flex. I can't help myself. I've almost always decidedly known who I am. When I briefly tried to forget by drowning myself in white & rose wine. Or before that Long Island Iced Teas. I guess I'll have that artist vibe like, this is her whiskey era. The way I have gravitated towards places, things, or music. I'll also have been drawn to different drugs during different eras to try & cope with the full reality of what's going on. 

I traveled so much these past couple years. I saw abandoned cities. Dead malls. I also saw revitalization happening. People congregating to clean up the messes capitalism has left behind. 

Certain things are universal. This post is about Steve Fago. 

As I write this a cloudy AF day cleared to Blast sunlight on my face. I've been cloud hunting all day. A storm came up on me & rained on me at Cattus Island. I have some friends who still won't talk to me even though Steve Fucking Fago died man! I wish I could assure them they shouldn't be afraid of me. I know there's a part of me worth being afraid of. I just know that is a part of all of us. 

So many of my friends blogged our lives back in the day. I wish all that shit was accessible to us now. I long ago forgot how to access my DeadJournal & LiveJournals. I know I wrote with much more regularity as a kid as I had a lot more exciting things happening all the time & more time to write about them. 

I often want to sit down & write ALL the stories from back then but I never know where to begin. I keep thinking about Jess Taylor's excitement at having made out with Steve Fago outside Jason's surprise birthday party that his cousin Vicky Pezza threw. I sometimes drive by that house & that fence. 

Another friend, Nicole Petersen, who I have only seen on Facebook since being friends in elementary school & maybe once or twice in high school died as well. A client whose one of my mom's friends told me. She was perhaps one of the more strikingly beautiful people I've ever seen in real life. She waitressed at the Bandwagon Diner in Toms River which is the last place I saw her before she died only we didn't really talk at all. I have had that happen to me more than once. Where I pass up a chance to talk to someone that later died before I saw them again. It's a weird feeling. 

I grew up middle class. Having more than one friend whose suffered homelessness & having had too many friends die of drugs or alcohol is starting to wear on me. I remember how Jena Ghar would know every single one. I talked to Nadja & she was the first person who knew both Nicole Kelly & Steve Fago & how fucked up I feel about losing either & both of them. 

I have an internal rage that I think conclusively can only be expressed through the urg to Rock & Roll. Like Ani Difranco says, At a certain point it's either Ax Murder or Rock & Roll & I'm at that point "in the artist's career". 

I wanna be a director & direct some sh.t. I wish I could direct an End of an Era video. Maybe I will & we'll dedicate it to Steve. Friend fucking 1 man, or was it 2. Who cares!?!? I need the gods & by the Gods I mean Ian J. Keeney, to hear my desire for a Cold Blue Eternal reunion. I am so far from mad at anyone, I would just love to have us all in the same room again. Magic used to happen when we all were together. 

I had spent so much time with Jeff Wallace & then I didn't see him for 15 years. What a trippy experience. Feels like it was just yesterday. Everyone looks like shit. We look like such a rough & tumble set of scarred up old people, those of us that aren't dead I guess. 

I want my own Rock Star Headquarters. Only I want people to play music not just buy memorabilia. I want a Bose PA system. That is another new life goal. I remember how much good shit got done in Jeff's parent's garage. Makes me think of Weezer. 

I tried to go see Kuff Knots & Christine Elise last week for FREE live on the boardwalk in Asbury Park but I had to leave before they actually played to go get Zack from Alumni Band practice. It was still nice to be up walkin around in AP with Keith. It had been a while. That is where we went on our first & many dates since. I hope to be going up there next weekend for Dogmatic LiveArt's Art Show(I think, now I realized I didn't actually check where it is) !!! I am excited that is happening. Keith & I have visited quite a few museums & art exhibits since we've been together & that was something I had really missed in my life that I did a lot as a kid. 

The only other time the sun has been this bright on my face while I sit in my room was while I was in a group in a live-chat for Julia Cameron's The Listening Path workshop. It was so much more of an intimate, like 40 people in a room Zoom call than I was expecting. I did another The Artist's Way workshop online with 400 people which was more what I was expecting. But the listening path was intimate AF. Julia's dog had just died the day before but she was determined to do her workshop anyway because it was a once in a lifetime experience for all of us. We all knew her dog intimately from reading her work. She wrote a lot about having a dog. She got to read us love poems she wrote about her dog. It was a really intense experience that I felt very strongly about being a part of. It was a really good sky with clouds & colors & whatnot out my window, as it often is & I got to share that with 3 isolated women who also spontaneously signed up to do The Listening Path workshop. That day I wound up talking to another women who was Also named after her 2 grandmothers just like I am. I literally thought she was lying or crazy but she was also in blindingly bright sunlight while she was laughing & crying & saying me too. Then she told me her name. I think it was Helena. But I can't remember the other name. Maybe someday it'll come back to me. 

I have to blog now because I felt like every time I add someone I was severed from, by being cancelled & not having access facebook, I have this long talk with them. Steve was in the last round of a handful of weekly people I added so that I don't get flagged for adding too many people too fast. But I was Expecting to hear from him. I felt like I Just talked to him about Phil Collins & The Weather. 

Sometimes "crazy" people are half right or entirely right but what they know is too crazy for the average person to get their head around. It's hard to carry around a big secret. Usually people won't believe bad things that are really bad because it's their brain's way of protecting itself. People use drugs & alcohol to numb themselves so that they can ignore the secrets they keep. 

My dad & Douglas Adams gave me a hearty respect & obsession with technology & writing. Technology is always changing. So is life, if I don't photograph that sky right now it will be different shortly. If I don't write this now, it will be somewhat forgotten about later. 

The day of Steve's funeral I Almost left & skipped the bar afterwards. I don't drink & Keith & I had an entire house to lay carpets in before Tuesday morning. But as I was leaving Donovan's heading down 571 as I got to the Ocean County Mall there was this brilliant Heaven Sky all around. Once I did the jug handle to go back to my old friends, it was even better. 

I just kept thinking. Steve would have lived in this moment forever if he could have. All of us together again & the saddest we've ever been as adults so far but also feeling a magic within us that we had definitely forgotten about in the pandemic. 

I know for a fact "The Year Without Music" as I call it, killed multiple friends of mine. Without a place to dance the night away some people can't survive life. People fought for their churches but the unrecognized church of Local Folk Music whenever & wherever you wanted it, was gone. 

Some of us didn't have any fucking clue that was a thing that the totalitarian government could do. So many things that are important like sports & music became more elite. More at home. More perfect & individual. When these things are about human connection. 

The screen is only a poor representation for the connection, the hand holding, the deep eye contact, that humans are actually craving. I've always been a germaphobe who declines hand shakes with new people but I always held everyone I'm friend's with hand. I was thinking about Steve Fago & I holding hands at 17 & 18 & telling each other we loved one another & nothing else. We never kissed. We texted a lot over the years. 

He got up early my 18th birthday to go to Water Works which we didn't do because of a thunderstorm. But I wish we did. I don't know if I made it to The End of Water Works before it closed & became Breakwater Beach. Instead we went out to Ihop for breakfast with Erin Ryan & Addam Reynolds. Sometimes I'm like what the fuck are these people I think about all the time as I'm driving around town even doing. Having been off Facebook & them hating me well before that, I don't really know. I'm fucking tired of finding out my friends are dead. I am glad that being back on Facebook allowed me to go to one of their funerals. 

Missing that people die because you lack social media is a fucked up thing to go through. I think about Jena Ghar & Rhapsody Prisco daily. Like Aunt Tootsie I talk to dead people. Now Steve & Nicole & Nicole are on the list. But also my grandmother's. Grandma Jackie would say I've got a lot of Guardian Angels. I certainly do. I've met so many angels that walked this Earth. The problem right now is that this world is no place for angels. It's a devils world. We need more friendships. With healthy boundaries. We need less family. 

Less, I am here because I have to be, & more, I am here because I want to be. 

I keep thinking about Geraldine & Shilly working at Rock Star Headquarters when they still thought in Spanish & not yet in English, when we used to eat too many french fries & mozzarella sticks at Ocean County College. I keep thinking about how Fucking Mad Vicky was when Ashley & Cole ran up a Giant bar tab on her credit card one night at McIntyre's while celebrating Cold Blue Eternal. 

I remember when I started Girl Fight because Ashley & Cole were doing it. I remember how strong Prairie made us for everything that was to come. No one had Any idea then how bad it was going to get for women. For artists. For musicians. For lovers of all types to survive this apocalyptic vibe. 

We all thought the apocalypse would have sexier clothes in my youth. These are not the Candy Raver Goths you're looking for. 

I just want anyone who reads this to know I forgive you all. I harbor no hatred in my heart. I wish no ill will upon you in my soul. If anything I remember only the good things about people. Mostly I only have had very few people do intentionally bad things to me. 

I have always been part of a deep & expensive web. More so than most people I am realizing as I age. It is good to be named after your grandmothers & for your grandmothers to have been very strong hard working smart women. I just want to try to make people feel the way having them in my life made me feel about myself. 

Mike Newman reached out, the one person I feared would harbor animosity towards Steve & yet his message was the same as everyone else's. "Why didn't he tell us while he was still here? He deserved to be forgiven." I was sitting at a table full of atheists. All of us having left the Catholic tradition of our parents & grandparents over the abuse scandals. But we all still had a will to forgiveness. 

I've been thinking a lot about Nicole, Cole. The one who is alive. I really hope she is doing well & can live with whatever pandemic hell she's been through. I hope someday she wants to kick box with me again in a class with Prairie & kick my ass a little. Girl Fight was the first & only all women environment I have ever been in. 

I can forever kick myself that I didn't go to the all girl's Rutger's Douglas Campus before Mary Daly was sued using Title IX. I Could have been the best feminist the world has ever seen. Can you use a college acceptance that is 20 years old? Douglas here I come. I've been seriously considering going back to school when Zack goes to college. I may have to wait until he is done to afford both though.

I'm really proud of him. He's a really good teenager. I know because I was a really bad teenager. It's so weird to be thinking so much about my teenage years for so many reasons. High School Jackie Lane would never doubt herself for a second. She had an epic set of balls. I have often looked to her when I need to get Through Some Shit & the pandemic years have been no exception that's for sure. I just remember punching loads of grown men in mosh pits. I feel like I wish people were not afraid of me but I spent the better part of 20 years making people fear me. I have mellowed out a lot in my old age. But I am still far from mellow. I have a lot of energy left to get things done. Bitches are in fact the only people in life who get anything done. This world needs a clean up & a hygiene lesson & I intend to give it. Every space is worthwhile. We need to keep this place beautiful. Rest In Power Steve Fago. 

@JackieLane2020 on twitter & instagram @jackielanehair on twitter & instagram 

@hermalegenitals for radfem shitposting

It's really going to be music I perform live someday though. I need to eventually. I just have to bite the bullet & cry in public. The singing that comes out in between will be good too. People think I am joking. I am serious like a heart attack as I always say. 

This entire blog entry is just everything I thought we'd be talking about dude. I finally meet your mom after all these years & she's delightful! Maybe she'll come see Jill Ramme play with me. She said she almost kept your ma when she dumped you. It takes a good mom to raise a good son. Anyone's good son can fall victim to the opiate epidemic or even the alcohol epidemic or the pornography epidemic. 

We need to have compassion for those we love. Even when we don't really want to. Nothing else will stop the endless warring. We need world peace & we need it now. My dad made me listen to the entirety of American Pie when I was little, he also has a love of Frank Zappa & the one thing I inherited of my parents loving years is their record collection "From the Music Library of Bob & Linda Lane". I don't know if my dad got the second half of the collection out of his house fast enough after Hurricane Sandy to save it. Who knows. He didn't let me help him clean it out. I was only in it once. Looked similar to how I had left it.  I could have helped more. I have the half I stole in college & have moved 10 times since. Keith & I watched a documentary called The Day The Music Died about how that song was written & toiled over. 

Music is a web if connections. Feeling severed from that web has had a disastrous effect on the class divide. So many former working class musicians are now pimping "woke" protofascist dogma that can not be questioned. 

I keep thinking about Jason climbing the walls of Rock Star Headquarters on a ladder to get me the Only one of a very old Rage Against The Machine sticker from high off the wall. I think about how brutal it is to be dehumanized as birthing people by your radical idols. Too afraid to question this current social requirement. Now that Rock Star Headquarters burned down the year after Hurricane Sandy I can be happy I felt it was so important to rescue in that moment. 

 My mom & Zack & I went to Atlantic City for her 67th birthday. So many homeless people. So many people gambling. I can't stand the thought of either being so normal in this world. Public prostitution is coming next as far as the normal things no one ever wanted but are surely coming to pass with everything happening. 

On a much happier excursion Keith & my mom & I went to Stony Hill Farms Sunflower Field & got lost there one entire Sunday morning in the blistering heat. We all wore sun shirts & silly hats though & we did just fine. It was the exact sort of weather that 🌻 Sunflowers like. We each got to cut a bouquet of sunflowers & Zinnias ourselves in milk bottles & a rustic bucket. 

I didn't think Zack would like the 3 hours in the car but it wasn't bad at all the time of day we went & I am bummed he didn't get to see it. Hopefully he gets to go up & see it somehow this year or next. It's really incredible. 

Everyone needs to see it. I am telling everyone about it. It was life changing. 

I am determined not to miss out on life changing things. I think of my friends & what they deserve to be doing instead of sitting in an early grave. I greatly remember thinking it would be me someday because I would die with my secrets. Also my nickname was Death. Now I have none left to hide. Only things I've not yet lived or remembered. 

I'm sure my Middle & High School Journals would seem much more far away than they did when I read them at 25. Another 12 years has passed. This time I've maintained the same blog. It is in vogue to use Substack. Or some other Only Fans, Patreon Knock-Off. I am still, after all these years, into radically creating/sharing all this art with you for free. It's my version of freedom. To be an Ad-Free Artist forever. I still only ever promote my friend's businesses & regular people's art projects on social media or IRL. It feels good to know who I am. It makes it a lot harder for anyone to take it from you. The previous times I lost it, I didn't know what I had. Now no one could convince me otherwise so easily. 

When Keith & I finished laying carpet, no Allison, not a euphemism. We hung all 4 paintings that we got at the Soup Can Magazine's Anniversary at The Strand Theater in Lakewood where my family has so much herstory in my house that I am about to own entirely on my own for the first time. They look so beautiful it is hard to describe. I've never been so proud of something. I can't wait until Casey comes to visit & test it out for me. Keith & I are going to get some good Wi-Fi going soon since there's bad cell reception. HMU if you want to stay in my tiny house at The Jersey Shore for a week. Friends/artists only, looking for a beach retreat. See you soon. 

Until Next Time...

Jackie Fucking Lane 

Serendipity Rain

I've had a weird sunroof related car problem I've been dealing with where water was silently leaking into my car via cracked tubs leading to my front passenger carpet. It was under rubber car mats so it took A Lot of rain before I noticed even the rubber mat was full of water. I took it out of the evil car dealers service center & brought it to my old place I used to go where the wife used to drive me home when my parents were busy working at the salon & the deli & my car would always be busted. I have taken 3 other cars to them! 😂 

Turns out the son runs it now & he was Super nice & has a Really similar car & they Even work on Diesels which my car is a weird thing most mechanics don't even wanna touch. So a shitty thing made me solve this where to get my car maintenance thing cause I Hated the dealership but I 💕 love my car. I don't even car if it costs the same amount of $ I just would rather give 1000 to someone in town. 

VW is evil. I felt guilty leaving the dealership cause Calvin my mechanic is a brilliant dope guy who the day I met him, rolling in there with a car I Just Bought that was already busted without me even getting it home. He gave me a ride home, I Trusted A Strange Man, My Cell Phone Was Dead. The service center was long closed for the day & he was working overtime to get something done. But the entire rest of the establishment should probably burn. They were all out drinking together the day I met Calvin. 🤣 

I started this blog post as a text message to a friend that I suddenly realized they probably didn't want & was no longer for just them. I feel pulled away from writing all the time lately. I feel this constant need to answer everyone because I remember a time where I was not good at all at answering people. People reached out & I did not reach back. Now I'm always like, where did everybody go? Many think I am an evil Terf whose abuse by men that started in childhood & lasted until I was 33 years old when I finally started telling the truth about it, was my fault because that's just who I am & the way I wanted it to be. 

People will talk about "child abuse victims" to me as if they are someone other than me. Their Trauma. Their This, Their That, Their The Other Thing. But I find we're all very similar in a lot of ways. I don't like the distancing language. Where are the people not growing up in this pornified land? I don't know who would be able to escape it. 

Women without modern plumbing fixtures or in countries without stable electricity or water, those women aren't safe from rape culture & sexual abuse. Male violence permeates all corners of reality at the moment. Women become free only with modern conveniences like the sex segregated spaces. Women need places to talk away from men & to organize.We need plumbing & education to make it so that women can escape the realities of "womanhood". Having to pee all the time, & knowing that it is normal & the way our bodies actually are different than men's. Even bigger women have smaller bladders than men the same size. Men the same size do not have an entire uterus or ovaries holding court in their guts. It may not be the fact that our reproductive rights organs takes up that much space so much as our bodies are different. Categorically speaking. 

What does this have to do with Volkswagen. Calvin treated me, not like an idiot who just bought a sh*t car but like a smart woman who needed ammunition to fight this battle against the Cadillac dealer whom I had just bought it from, but the building was empty except for us. I had to ask my dad for More help, an insufferable man who had Just helped me buy the car in the first place for advice. It was good advice. My letter to the consumer reporting agency in that county got my initial car fixes paid for by the dealership who sold it to me. The car has been So So Dependable & never left me stranded on a highway but I've done Every recommended maintenance so has also been a money pit in minor repairs. It's a diesel engine though & I hope to put 2x as many miles on it as are on it right now. I wanna drive this car until I am my mother's age so I Needed a good mechanic. In walked Calvin the man who was helpful & friendly enough that I got in his car & let him drive me home without a MFing Cell phone! I felt guilty leaving this man but he works for the devil & the top down management at the dealership is evil. 

I'm glad I found someone my age with a small local business who knows my type of car so well as to have one himself as the owner of the repair shop. He has the Golf Wagon GTI with the panoramic sunroof though & I have the baby version TDI with the regular sunroof & a crazy powerful turbo diesel engine for this itty bitty hatchback. I'm not just a radical feminist because I've faced sexual abuse. 

I've also faced many other forms of subtle discrimination from macho "alpha" identified type men in the car world, in the music world, in the video game world, in the comic world, even in the Hair World. But in the car world it's super common for me to find men who immediately dismiss me. It's usually men who know less than me & assume I must also know nothing like them. Despite being raised by not 1 but 2 male mechanics who loved talk radio & a mom who worked 70 hours a week at times. I picked up a couple things. 

I have a much better mental understanding than physical ability. Male tools are often not the right strength standard for most women. What I mean is no matter what I've done with cars I've always needed someone with naturally stronger muscles to help aka do all the work while we collectively figured out what to do. But I've read more than one Chilton taken out of the Ocean County Library in my day & I enjoy when a man will treat me like a human being enough to get to know me & find that out about me. Some intellectual type men just don't give a fuck about cars & always go to a trusted mechanic. Some "car" identified types will dismiss you before they even find out how much you understand. I appreciate finding a man who obviously had a mother who understands cars. I wish more women would be encouraged by having tools easily available that are designed for our hand size/strength. Until then we need more great mechanics in the world like Calvin at VW & the Pro-Cat family.  

But if the rain hadn't filled my car with rainwater I wouldn't be going through any of this. When I met this car I felt like it was going to take me on a journey & it really fucking has in so many ways. It's amazing on the highway & I've been so many places in it I probably wouldn't have been otherwise.

There's been a lot of controversy & infighting among those critical of gender in the past month. The radical right wing is doing their dirty work of using neoliberal propaganda & misogyny to split the modern day feminist movement into a thousand little tiny factions. Dividing the solidarity amongst transsexuals & feminists was always only the first blow. Long decided upon alliances have been broken. Friendships built have been dashed to the wayside. Make love not war friends. 

I don't know how to make it clear enough that I will Never Choose sides of anyone's friendship wars & stonewalling demands. I will never Not Ever decide a woman is crazy. Not even for being angry. I may not want to be around them anymore for personal reasons. I think we all have a choice who we associate with. No one really associates with me openly on social media if they can avoid it. 

Some people patron me & I them. Some people see me oot & aboot but since I got removed from Facebook I was removed from being invited places often. It's weird feeling like a cancelled social pariah among a certain art community or the internet in certain spheres when normal working class people I meet IRL have No Idea about any of it. Or they have more of an observational view than a participatory relationship to the web. 

This writing should probably be published after the one I have saved & Unfinished but as this one is finished first in it's sentiment, for once I am publishing out of order & considering a thing for a while before I finish it & publish it. Look at me evolving over time. 

I have been noticing a lot more serendipity lately which is how I always know I am on the right track. Thanks Naomi Buechner for leaving me with that. You seemed so wise & so eternally young as the same time? We've all suffered losing someone important to us too soon because of this for profit instead of For People system. I just want us to have compassion for our fellow man but especially our fellow woman. 

Love,

Jackie Lane 

The Importance of Coasters

You wouldn't believe me if I told you. I've been cancelled again. This time I objected to some Lisa Frank esq. art with a long form groom into Eating Ass. I also said for the 1000th time that nobody Needs adderall & that speed is delicious for every human being, not just the special adhd snowflakes. I know.

 How controversial of me...

I'm not really surprised at all ever anymore. Many people are so fucking sedated to deal with what is happening to their world. The ones that are still alive. 

I lie. 

Every person that leaves me over their wholehearted love & defense of pornography guts me to the core. I just Assume everyone will agree with me. 

Every. 

Single.

Time. 

I tend to assume others have the same mindset I do. That they can still see violence. That they can still tell when something is real or not. I forget everyone hasn't worked on movies. I forget everyone hasn't been obsessed with Playboy since childhood. I forget that people are willfully ignorant. I just assume if they're my friend that they care about the safeguarding of women & children & yet often times this assumption has left me socially humiliated & ostracized for what I consider to be entirely reasonable beliefs. 

Being cool is all that matters. What does it mean to be cool if when you try to be cool it can backfire? It means being socially accepted. No one feels accepted for who they are right now. Everyone thinks they will need plastic surgery as they age or as I like to call it. 

Surgery. 

Plastic implies a sort of 3D printing Frankenstein effect on the human body as opposed to the reality of what surgery does. We as a culture worship surgery & doctors. At times surgeons perform great miracles when necessary. But in other instances we live in a world where people are expected to make money always, to create a need even when there is not one. 

A healthy human body should never be cut open by a surgeon ever. It's against medical ethics. And yet even with the Outstanding risks such unnecessary surgeries cause they were still scheduled throughout the coronavirus pandemic. Instead of using every single doctor & space in the hospital for CV19 patients they continued to perform elective surgeries on the mentally ill. Anyone wanting to cut up a healthy body & expose it to the harshest of chemicals through anesthesia & mutilate it & then have to expose it to opiates just to heal the formerly healthy body is mentally ill. 

How is this happening so often while all hands should be on deck in medicine for the pandemic? At this point most psychologists & most doctors are scam artists. How can you tell anyone they are Mentally Ill or have Anxiety right now? No shit you have anxiety, that's not an illness. It's a natural fucking reaction. 

A select few of us that believed climate change was really happening & that rising temperatures would cause germs to mutate more effectively are sitting over here wondering why the fuck everyone is so surprised at the turn of events that communist believers call End Stage Capitalism or as the bible thumpers understand from The Book of Revelations. 

Evidently even the secularists who aren't supposed to take The Bible literally missed the metaphors upon close reading. Famine, Pestilence. We have seen floods, fire, tornadoes, hurricanes, pest explosions. These were never just stories. They were the answer to how we prevent these things in the first place. We long ago lost our path. 

The Bible is not even as close to as old as the stories in it. Those stories passed from human to human over millennia making us into who we are now. They have been manipulated many times over into what powerful men wanted them to say. But those stories were originally the stories our grandmothers told us while we were too young to leave the house. Too fragile yet for the dangers of the outside world. Back when, we understood that many would die from childhood illness. 

We can lose anything when taken for granted for too long. 

I assumed all the people I knew who wanted a different world where we respected the environment in which we live would also extend that to respecting the human body, in its original form. The adult human female form, that of women. 

I had no idea how addicted people were to pornography because it's not a problem I've personally ever had. I see violence against women every time, I see child-like girls who are barely women. I see reality instead of the lie that is sold to us that these women are rarely ever trafficked children sold into sexual abuse. These whores are happy, horny, & enthusiastic to be sold for all the world to consume. 

The ONLY reason anyone, any man, believes that bullshit is because he was indoctrinated into it during childhood. He then backed up a lifetime of cultural grooming into pornography culture with orgasming to that violence because part of that cultural brainwashing included that if you don't do it, you're not a real man.

Now if you go far enough down the hypno-sissy pornography rabbit hole you can actually be brainwashed into believing you Are a woman & that you always wanted to be one, even before the lifetime of brainwashing, the indoctrination through orgasm, & the escalation into material that depicts women in more & more dehumanizing ways. 

We all seem to know that all men view pornography as normal. We all seem to know that this cultural sexual abuse of children that leads to them wanting to dissociate from their own body whether through eating disorders, anorexia & binge eating, cutting, or gender dysphoria. Yet we sit here arguing over who & what is to blame. 

Men are to blame.

For their intense hatred of women. 

The men I just spoke of were groomed through online pornography since childhood. But what of the men who were raised to create the content in the first place. Often their own mothers were sold. Sometimes by their fathers. But other times they are upper class men who grew up on consumption material. 

The Marquis De Sade was not the first aristocrat who raped & tortured women for his own pleasure.  He is just the first to write down a popular practice of the time he was in & write long form (male) moral justifications for why they have a right to behave that way. Nothing is Natural. Everything is learned & chosen & in many instances with as smart as humans have become since women invented written language, contrived. 

Men do these things on purpose. Men do these things with purpose. They can all feign not knowing the purpose. They learn that at an incredibly early age, how to lie to women. They claim "I don't know. I didn't know. Every other man does it." 

They know. 

They don't care. 

Their power over society & their desire to continue to consume women who they see as disposable trumps any sympathy they can pretend to muster. 

The kids are not alright. 

When I was first exposed to the internet as a teenager mostly our working class parents didn't know there was so much to protect us from. It was a desert wasteland full of old men who spent way too much time alone fixing computers & watching pornography & the Nations Children having inserted one of the 1000s of America On Line... [online still two fucking words? what!] disks that were mailed to our parents. Everyone would pay to be online. It's a monopoly utility we funded through the abundant military tax we pay & yet they sold it to us like a product we had a choice whether or not to participate in or consume. 

The Wizard of Oz & Harry Potter are only 2 stories of good & evil in a long lineage of children's fairy tales. We used Fairy Tales to prepare children for the things they can't even imagine when they are small but with which they are even more prone to being victim to. By the time we are adults we establish boundaries, sometimes because we are taught, other times because we learned the hard way. Some of us go to therapy & talk about what actually happened to us. But many of us still must use the analogies or metaphors of our childhood to explain the things in the world that almost seem without explanation. We lose ourselves in escapist media. 

How are so many children still sexually abused & beaten. The ones who aren't, told to be thankful that they are ignored & well fed. Just like women. The standard of treatment men have to meet being set by the worst men & fathers instead of men being held to some sort of ideal. 

If we're to escape this world where child abuse is the norm. Where dissociation is the norm. We all need to be able to speak about these things in clear language. Using clear & simple words that even the simplest minds can understand. Those of lesser understanding, children & the disabled are the most at risk to sexual violence. 

Pedophiles are not real. 

The idea of the pedophile was created by men to afford their crimes of opportunity an explanation. Men do not take sexual advantage because of attraction. They take sexual advantage because they have been taught they can if they want to & little is in place in the world to stop them. 

What social mores we had, have been eroded. We consider ourselves & we are, a statistically more peaceful world. But someone is fudging the numbers. Someone has redefined words such as violence to mean criticisms of men instead of pain enacted upon women. 

Someone has redefined pornography to mean sex instead of the filmed evidence of men's hatred towards women or anything that suggests women as a class are submissive by nature. Someone has redefined nudity as pornographic. Nudity is only pornographic when it implies women are "naturally" submissive. Because as we know natural is not a thing. We learn. We grow. 

Someone has redefined Free Speech to be images of violence against women & children instead of our right to speak out against them. 

Who are these people?

What are their social interests & goals for society? 

Why have we handed over the reigns? 

Love,

Jackie Fucking Lane 

Find me on Instagram & Twitter @JackieLane2020, 2020 as in hindsight not the year because the year was in the future when I picked it & not the past. I can also Very Recently be found again on Facebook until they figure out I'm there. I participate on YouTube as Jackie Lane. 

Let's make friends. Turn to someone near you & say hello. You are missed, the world needs you.