It is very hard not to fall back into old habits. A support system is necessary. People are determined to anger me. How will I learn to passively fight back? I remember always being angry. I will never go back there. After years of programming it is hard to make sure to never judge other people. It is hard to let go of the habit of anger and resentment of things unknown to you. All I can offer is that I am trying. At this moment I feel that is all anyone can ever offer. But I still have many years of life left to learn.
The angry version of me fits in better. She is more well received. I fit nicely in my box of all feminists must be militant and everyone feels just fine. I am tired of fitting into boxes. I want to stretch my wings. I want to learn to be kind to everyone. It is easier in person. Smiling at people and looking into their eyes like another human being is easy. Harder on the computer where there is no tone, you can't see my big toothy smile and all you can see is words flying at you fast and passionately.
I am determined to learn to love everyone. It is possible to love anyone if you know their story, if you have heard their struggles and seen their pain, if you understand what they've been through. We as adults build up lots of walls which are hard to break down. For good reason, all of us have been hurt badly by someone or something. The rich may never understand the pain a poor man has endured but conversely the poor man has not experienced the pain of the rich man. Money can not take away the pain and balance of life. Money can not undo death, or abuse. The well educated man needs to stop feeling superior to the poor man, just like the poor man needs to stop feeling their life experiences are superior because they have suffered.
I don't like categorizing people. Feeling superior to other people based on how we have categorized ourselves belongs to no one category, everyone is guilty at some time. No one no matter the intelligence level, the wealth, the pain, the work or whatever other reason you come up with is superior. The culture of competition creates violence and suspicion instead of love and community. Instead of a collaborative of humans as friends trying to help one another, and every one, we have harsh competition for land and resources, but primarily for profit.
It's so idealistic. But I can still dream of a world without money. A world wear we make decisions based on love, compassion, and understanding of what we need. I have a lot of hate directed at me because I can dream these things. The more anger and hate I see, the more I realize that we can't fight back with violence. Violent language or violent actions. We must insist on peace. We must insist on a shift in the paradigm.
I won't give up. If only for the people I know out there who feel crushed under the weight of the world's negativity, like I do. It is worth it to be who I am. It is worth it to question everything. I want everyone to be who they are and start questioning everything so we can make the changes we all want and need.
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