One Small Act At A Time

Sometimes it’s not the crazy shit in life that scares you. Sometimes it’s the normal shit that everyone goes through that makes your heart pound like you lit the fuse and have to run away before the bomb goes off. I know the meaning of life and yet everyone around me is drowning in a shit storm of misery and I am just one lifeguard. I can’t hold everyone at the same time and just keep swimming or we’ll all drown. 

Back to square one. You can’t change the world in one sweeping gesture; you have to do it one small act at a time. 

I rolled myself a cigarette, all by myself. I like the habit of smoking. Right now tobacco is my only choice. Tobacco is disgusting, at least its modern manifestation is, which is all I know. I feel like all writers smoke. Vonnegut said it was the slowest form of suicide, and the he fell down the stairs and died. Massive brain trauma is a better way to go than smoking. Smoking is mundane. Tumbling to your own painful demise is a lot more interesting. Interesting people rarely die in interesting ways. 

This cigarette tastes disgusting. It’s a stress behavior. My fingers are almost healed. I don’t want to undo that. I want to win that battle. Smoking one cigarette reminds me how disgusting it is. Picking at my fingers and face just make me want to do it more. 

I don’t know who decided Xanax is an anti anxiety medication. It doesn’t kill my anxiety. If anything the anxiety remains and it makes me detached from life. It makes me sleep too much for days after I take it. These are terrible side effects for someone suffering from anxiety. 

I should spend all the extra time I have lately cleaning my house, getting rid of shit, organizing the chaos. I’m not ready and on top of that I really don’t care. I only care because I have more useless shit that nobody really needs. I have a lot of useful things I don’t use enough. I spend too much time caught up in my own thoughts. Well in some people’s opinion I guess. 

I find I spend all my time well except for the time I worry about other people’s life choices that are not mine to control. Their misery is partially their choice. Sometimes no matter how much we have done to fix our own life, the lives of the family we live with, there are just mountains of shit out of our control. 

I find some people think we have too much knowledge, that constant streams of information are bad for our lives. Were the lives of the poor or lower classes so much better before we knew we were not alone? I don’t think so. Education of other people and ideas can set us free from our own mental prisons. 

I never feel sorry for myself and I find no value in feeling sorry for other people. Their life is full of beauty they just choose to focus on the fear instead of loving the complexity of life. 

This world. This world. 

Everything ass backwards and upside down and anyone who says so is a fucking demon. Everyone is out there pretending their life is perfect and that gives them the right to judge others. Two people today posted photos of strangers they didn’t know, women specifically, who they deemed unworthy of their approval purely based on their appearance. One woman used the word prostitute; the other woman used the word creature. They are two perfectly “nice” people; I bet they’d even tell you so. 

I’m sure they have religions that instill in them morals. The kind of morals that allow them to judge complete stranger through society’s lens instead of through a lens of compassion or even reality. I don’t think they would like it very much if someone took a picture of them in public, posted it on their Facebook or Instagram with a caption about how ugly they are. We don’t need an anonymous photograph to tell us how ugly they are, it is evident in their willingness to judge other people’s existence unfit for their eyes. 

Why do you think you own women and their bodies? That you can decide what they should and shouldn’t wear in public? I want to start walking around in public topless. There is nothing wrong with my body and anyone who hates me for it is afraid of how society is judging their body. Posting selfies all day every day and then saying women should hide themselves because you said so. Maybe you should hide yourself until you learn how to not be a judgmental cunt? No. Well then keep the judgmental thoughts to yourselves. 

It’s not surprising. We have entire websites on the internet dedicated to making fun of other people so we can feel superior. The irony of “People of Wal-Mart” photos is that they are all taken by fellow people shopping at Wal-Mart. How would those people with the camera phones feel if the camera was turned on them and they were the butt of everyone’s joke? I certainly wish there was a way to find out. 

Blame people for their poverty and their ignorance; don’t dare to realize that you don’t do anything to help people learn how to better the world by bettering themselves. Bragging implies everything is perfect in your life, complaining implies everything is always shit. Neither is true, every life is a balance. 

People who can’t face the reality of the bad are just as useless as those who can’t face the reality of the good. You are not lucky because of some natural superiority and you are not working harder than everyone else because life is hard for everyone. Life is a struggle. No one gets away with a free ride. I hear people constantly saying they are bored. How can you be bored in a life of such complexity? Perhaps because you’re walls are so built up you don’t see the things right in front of you. When you’re always sad about the past and worried about the future you are missing all the important moments of the present. All of your judgments speak more about your own insecurities than they do about the person who you are judging.