I started having crazy dreams again. I usually do when I've been reading about dreaming. I had to take the medical tape off my thumbs to write this because I couldn't write with it on. My thumb's are still sore but I have to write. I felt anxious energy in the air all day. My two thumbs and my 3rd finger suffered the consequences. What happened to mind over matter? Matter won this time. If I want to write or art for a living, even if it is styling hair, I'm going to need my hands, my fingers. That is a part of why I can't do hair right now. That is the hardest thing for me to explain to other people. These things take time. I plan on healing but I obviously can't do it over night or I would have already.
People from some of the most open minded families fear coming out. Many people my age have traveled back in time to an era where they must hide their true selves. I refuse any longer, to be one person some of the time and another person the rest of the time. I am always one solid being. Every changing but forever the same. I want that for everyone. No one should have to suffer through being one person at work and another person at home. Or one person with friends and another person with family. I want everyone to be their whole self. It is such a good feeling, even on the worst days of criticism now I can be okay because I know who I am and I like who I am. I wish I had learned sooner but everything comes in its time.
I find all the things I've ever experienced, even the bad shameful things, I couldn't trade. Everything that makes me this understanding compassionate person I am had to have happened or I'd be someone else. This is my path I'm forging and I'm happy with it. If you are spending your time trying to tear down others, something is wrong in your life.
If what you do doesn't matter, do you exist? Without consciousness you don't exist. When your mind has left your body, what is you, is gone. Are you living an unconscious life?
I need to research local gun violence. I'd like to use Ocean County as my local region. Maybe all of New Jersey as well. I need to know accidents and incidents of domestic violence. Violence on a fundamental and subversive level. I need to go back to basics. Prove to people around here that they are not the exception. The news doesn't cover the things you don't want to see. They don't tell you the things that they should. We blame street dealers instead of the politicians that make it possible to traffic the drugs here. Everything is backwards in that sense.
Someone had mentioned that maybe I should counsel families suffering from alcoholism. I like the idea but I don't want to narrow my scope. I want to help anyone I can who is suffering ridicule at the hands of their own families and life long friends. People just need support. The things the human body and mind are capable of are astounding and yet we submit to this world of limitations.
I haven't felt so good since I remember writing as a child. I didn't know I was a child. I tried to write a play and failed. My characters were flat. I knew better. I read at an adult level of understanding. I could only write my life experiences. Some of them were very traumatic. Those things were things I couldn't share. So all my stories were lifeless.
We had a retreat at my high school called Kairos. It was supposed to teach us that everyone suffers at least one trauma in childhood. We all share that. We all carry a little humiliation and shame with us. It should humble us. It should make us realize that even in the most vile minds, twisted and mangled by abuse, there must be good underneath. Anyone with a conscience tested their boundaries. Teenagers are selfish and uninhibited. They act out of self interest. We shame them for their ability to fight for themselves. Until they submit to the fact that they are lazy and ungrateful. So they go to work and learn not to talk back. Why shouldn't we speak when spoken to in a manner that is meant to hurt us?
In order for the world to continue on this path we must maintain the pecking order. Everyone needs someone we are in control of. Our mother, son, daughter, father, sister, brother, husband, wife, or employee. Everyone gets a little taste of power somewhere. What we don't get is a taste of freedom. Once you get a little taste of freedom it's the only way you can live. Once you trust your own best judgment and learn to listen to the light within, you will never stop.
Everyone has a small bit of power, that binds us to the fact that we all live in fear. Fear of what others think. Fear of theft. Fear of violence. Fear of death. Fear of failure. What is success? I say it is the ability to live every day in love instead of fear. That means failure is a choice. It also means letting go of all your fears. What will be, will be. What already was, we cannot change. We can only change how we choose to see what already was, and how we let it shape who we are, and who we are going to be.
Be My Friend
From my personal journal dated 7-14-2013.
I wanted to share something more personal than usual. (Don't I always say that?)
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