So. Could anything be more disheartening than living in Ocean County New Jersey? Writing and other forms of art have been neglected. Life has been busy as of late.
Through all of my thoughts on life, in the months when I started writing again, as I was persistently harassing my friends and family and some acquaintances, especially via the internet. I felt a lot like no one cared. There was a day when I used to spend hours every day on the internet writing about the life I wasn't leading (who remembers livejournal?). There is a level of self centered that blinds us to what we want to do in our heart.
Since I've taken my hiatus from expelling my views and art on the global world. Well that has only become magnified. Not only have people shut out what's really going on they are watching even more TV news in the hopes of becoming more informed.
I don't think that is what this post is supposed to be about. It's an apology to myself for giving up on wanting to spend more time more often spilling these words that relentlessly fill my mind onto some readable format. I feel like if not now, maybe some day that will have a purpose. But as I always preach, life just sort of happens sometimes. I was spending much time reading and writing and being inspired at the end of last year into this year. I felt very attached to the issues that are finally being talked about by someone in this country, even if it's not those in charge. I felt justified speaking up for my friends and family and neighbors because I felt lucky that my family wasn't one of those suffering.
Still no one in my household suffers, that is over dramatic to say the least. But my husband was laid off from his job. He was worried about how I would react, if you don't know me at all, I am a very emotional person. Well for some reason that day I knew it was going to happen. For some reason there was no surprise or panic in my reaction. And I thought to myself, good thing someone is still fighting for the extension of unemployment benefits, just in case.
I thought of the few things we could cut back on immediately because we have no extra money and unemployment would be putting us on a tighter budget. But I do notice how people ask me with deep concern, how we are, or if he has gotten a new job. I was in fact proud of him being fired for making the most money out of all his co workers based on merit raises. There aren't many places you could go with more hypocrisy than the voluntary elected board of trustees at a retirement community. It actually fits quite nicely into our story.
Through the years I have learned that my husband and I would have made no advances or ever been motivated if some seemingly shitty (at the time) things hadn't happened to us. Ironically I feel even more lucky now than I did before he was unemployed. My career is advancing at a much faster pace because now I can focus on that more hours a week and know that my son is with his dad, that he is healthy and happy and has the best person he could possibly have looking out for him.
Focusing more on work has taken away from my political activism. Posting relentlessly on FB, articles that I read and information I find, in between all the normal, seemingly mundane but amazing, things that I do in my life every day. My husband and I get to spend more time with each other and more time together with our son. The only downside has been that my politics has taken a back burner. I can not write unless I am alone. And I can not travel on our newly tightened budget. When I feel particularly jaded and angry I just look to those few people out there that I know love me and what me to keep on talking because for some reason they can't. So I will continue talking about and acting as if things will change.
Some days I go to work and it is so hard for me to listen to people's stories. I have empathy for every single one. It's so draining to hear of the hardships in every families relationship and wonder what happened to make society fracture this way. A lot has happened in human history. Every single thing effects us. But the way we can give it meaning is to remember what has happened and learn from it. Without that we are just like the rest of the animals we hold ourselves up above, relying on instincts instead of logic. There are so many things that need work it is hard to decide which cause is worth your effort. So I say, if we each have a cause, if we each have a passion, there could be major changes, the world we want is possible, but only if we stop pretending everything will be OK if I just keep shopping.
P.S.- If you didn't notice, I stopped writing symbolic letters to the President. I've stopped trying to reach the one man who can't bring about drastic change and started trying to educate all those who can.
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