The Day the Music Lived

I decided to start calling my friends who are dead very young from drugs or alcohol abuse "Fancy Suicide". 

This is a horrific thing to say, so, so far I have only thought it to myself. I'll probably tell Keith though now that I wrote it down. Or wrote it up. Wrote it online? 

I know I'm a creator & yet I am very unseen by the masses. I prefer it that way. I would like for someone someday to say about me, "this is her pink era, this is her blue era. This is her flower series & this is her gardening phase. This is her music era." 

I constantly create unfiltered art. I share raw unfiltered life. I am beloved for it. I am also hated for it but whose counting. I have cultivated very beautiful things. I mean all of this aside from creating a very tall, smart, well read, talented, son. So I don't have to doubt that I am a creator. 

I don't believe imposter syndrome is real. I think it is a humble brag. A bourgeoisie flex. I can't help myself. I've almost always decidedly known who I am. When I briefly tried to forget by drowning myself in white & rose wine. Or before that Long Island Iced Teas. I guess I'll have that artist vibe like, this is her whiskey era. The way I have gravitated towards places, things, or music. I'll also have been drawn to different drugs during different eras to try & cope with the full reality of what's going on. 

I traveled so much these past couple years. I saw abandoned cities. Dead malls. I also saw revitalization happening. People congregating to clean up the messes capitalism has left behind. 

Certain things are universal. This post is about Steve Fago. 

As I write this a cloudy AF day cleared to Blast sunlight on my face. I've been cloud hunting all day. A storm came up on me & rained on me at Cattus Island. I have some friends who still won't talk to me even though Steve Fucking Fago died man! I wish I could assure them they shouldn't be afraid of me. I know there's a part of me worth being afraid of. I just know that is a part of all of us. 

So many of my friends blogged our lives back in the day. I wish all that shit was accessible to us now. I long ago forgot how to access my DeadJournal & LiveJournals. I know I wrote with much more regularity as a kid as I had a lot more exciting things happening all the time & more time to write about them. 

I often want to sit down & write ALL the stories from back then but I never know where to begin. I keep thinking about Jess Taylor's excitement at having made out with Steve Fago outside Jason's surprise birthday party that his cousin Vicky Pezza threw. I sometimes drive by that house & that fence. 

Another friend, Nicole Petersen, who I have only seen on Facebook since being friends in elementary school & maybe once or twice in high school died as well. A client whose one of my mom's friends told me. She was perhaps one of the more strikingly beautiful people I've ever seen in real life. She waitressed at the Bandwagon Diner in Toms River which is the last place I saw her before she died only we didn't really talk at all. I have had that happen to me more than once. Where I pass up a chance to talk to someone that later died before I saw them again. It's a weird feeling. 

I grew up middle class. Having more than one friend whose suffered homelessness & having had too many friends die of drugs or alcohol is starting to wear on me. I remember how Jena Ghar would know every single one. I talked to Nadja & she was the first person who knew both Nicole Kelly & Steve Fago & how fucked up I feel about losing either & both of them. 

I have an internal rage that I think conclusively can only be expressed through the urg to Rock & Roll. Like Ani Difranco says, At a certain point it's either Ax Murder or Rock & Roll & I'm at that point "in the artist's career". 

I wanna be a director & direct some sh.t. I wish I could direct an End of an Era video. Maybe I will & we'll dedicate it to Steve. Friend fucking 1 man, or was it 2. Who cares!?!? I need the gods & by the Gods I mean Ian J. Keeney, to hear my desire for a Cold Blue Eternal reunion. I am so far from mad at anyone, I would just love to have us all in the same room again. Magic used to happen when we all were together. 

I had spent so much time with Jeff Wallace & then I didn't see him for 15 years. What a trippy experience. Feels like it was just yesterday. Everyone looks like shit. We look like such a rough & tumble set of scarred up old people, those of us that aren't dead I guess. 

I want my own Rock Star Headquarters. Only I want people to play music not just buy memorabilia. I want a Bose PA system. That is another new life goal. I remember how much good shit got done in Jeff's parent's garage. Makes me think of Weezer. 

I tried to go see Kuff Knots & Christine Elise last week for FREE live on the boardwalk in Asbury Park but I had to leave before they actually played to go get Zack from Alumni Band practice. It was still nice to be up walkin around in AP with Keith. It had been a while. That is where we went on our first & many dates since. I hope to be going up there next weekend for Dogmatic LiveArt's Art Show(I think, now I realized I didn't actually check where it is) !!! I am excited that is happening. Keith & I have visited quite a few museums & art exhibits since we've been together & that was something I had really missed in my life that I did a lot as a kid. 

The only other time the sun has been this bright on my face while I sit in my room was while I was in a group in a live-chat for Julia Cameron's The Listening Path workshop. It was so much more of an intimate, like 40 people in a room Zoom call than I was expecting. I did another The Artist's Way workshop online with 400 people which was more what I was expecting. But the listening path was intimate AF. Julia's dog had just died the day before but she was determined to do her workshop anyway because it was a once in a lifetime experience for all of us. We all knew her dog intimately from reading her work. She wrote a lot about having a dog. She got to read us love poems she wrote about her dog. It was a really intense experience that I felt very strongly about being a part of. It was a really good sky with clouds & colors & whatnot out my window, as it often is & I got to share that with 3 isolated women who also spontaneously signed up to do The Listening Path workshop. That day I wound up talking to another women who was Also named after her 2 grandmothers just like I am. I literally thought she was lying or crazy but she was also in blindingly bright sunlight while she was laughing & crying & saying me too. Then she told me her name. I think it was Helena. But I can't remember the other name. Maybe someday it'll come back to me. 

I have to blog now because I felt like every time I add someone I was severed from, by being cancelled & not having access facebook, I have this long talk with them. Steve was in the last round of a handful of weekly people I added so that I don't get flagged for adding too many people too fast. But I was Expecting to hear from him. I felt like I Just talked to him about Phil Collins & The Weather. 

Sometimes "crazy" people are half right or entirely right but what they know is too crazy for the average person to get their head around. It's hard to carry around a big secret. Usually people won't believe bad things that are really bad because it's their brain's way of protecting itself. People use drugs & alcohol to numb themselves so that they can ignore the secrets they keep. 

My dad & Douglas Adams gave me a hearty respect & obsession with technology & writing. Technology is always changing. So is life, if I don't photograph that sky right now it will be different shortly. If I don't write this now, it will be somewhat forgotten about later. 

The day of Steve's funeral I Almost left & skipped the bar afterwards. I don't drink & Keith & I had an entire house to lay carpets in before Tuesday morning. But as I was leaving Donovan's heading down 571 as I got to the Ocean County Mall there was this brilliant Heaven Sky all around. Once I did the jug handle to go back to my old friends, it was even better. 

I just kept thinking. Steve would have lived in this moment forever if he could have. All of us together again & the saddest we've ever been as adults so far but also feeling a magic within us that we had definitely forgotten about in the pandemic. 

I know for a fact "The Year Without Music" as I call it, killed multiple friends of mine. Without a place to dance the night away some people can't survive life. People fought for their churches but the unrecognized church of Local Folk Music whenever & wherever you wanted it, was gone. 

Some of us didn't have any fucking clue that was a thing that the totalitarian government could do. So many things that are important like sports & music became more elite. More at home. More perfect & individual. When these things are about human connection. 

The screen is only a poor representation for the connection, the hand holding, the deep eye contact, that humans are actually craving. I've always been a germaphobe who declines hand shakes with new people but I always held everyone I'm friend's with hand. I was thinking about Steve Fago & I holding hands at 17 & 18 & telling each other we loved one another & nothing else. We never kissed. We texted a lot over the years. 

He got up early my 18th birthday to go to Water Works which we didn't do because of a thunderstorm. But I wish we did. I don't know if I made it to The End of Water Works before it closed & became Breakwater Beach. Instead we went out to Ihop for breakfast with Erin Ryan & Addam Reynolds. Sometimes I'm like what the fuck are these people I think about all the time as I'm driving around town even doing. Having been off Facebook & them hating me well before that, I don't really know. I'm fucking tired of finding out my friends are dead. I am glad that being back on Facebook allowed me to go to one of their funerals. 

Missing that people die because you lack social media is a fucked up thing to go through. I think about Jena Ghar & Rhapsody Prisco daily. Like Aunt Tootsie I talk to dead people. Now Steve & Nicole & Nicole are on the list. But also my grandmother's. Grandma Jackie would say I've got a lot of Guardian Angels. I certainly do. I've met so many angels that walked this Earth. The problem right now is that this world is no place for angels. It's a devils world. We need more friendships. With healthy boundaries. We need less family. 

Less, I am here because I have to be, & more, I am here because I want to be. 

I keep thinking about Geraldine & Shilly working at Rock Star Headquarters when they still thought in Spanish & not yet in English, when we used to eat too many french fries & mozzarella sticks at Ocean County College. I keep thinking about how Fucking Mad Vicky was when Ashley & Cole ran up a Giant bar tab on her credit card one night at McIntyre's while celebrating Cold Blue Eternal. 

I remember when I started Girl Fight because Ashley & Cole were doing it. I remember how strong Prairie made us for everything that was to come. No one had Any idea then how bad it was going to get for women. For artists. For musicians. For lovers of all types to survive this apocalyptic vibe. 

We all thought the apocalypse would have sexier clothes in my youth. These are not the Candy Raver Goths you're looking for. 

I just want anyone who reads this to know I forgive you all. I harbor no hatred in my heart. I wish no ill will upon you in my soul. If anything I remember only the good things about people. Mostly I only have had very few people do intentionally bad things to me. 

I have always been part of a deep & expensive web. More so than most people I am realizing as I age. It is good to be named after your grandmothers & for your grandmothers to have been very strong hard working smart women. I just want to try to make people feel the way having them in my life made me feel about myself. 

Mike Newman reached out, the one person I feared would harbor animosity towards Steve & yet his message was the same as everyone else's. "Why didn't he tell us while he was still here? He deserved to be forgiven." I was sitting at a table full of atheists. All of us having left the Catholic tradition of our parents & grandparents over the abuse scandals. But we all still had a will to forgiveness. 

I've been thinking a lot about Nicole, Cole. The one who is alive. I really hope she is doing well & can live with whatever pandemic hell she's been through. I hope someday she wants to kick box with me again in a class with Prairie & kick my ass a little. Girl Fight was the first & only all women environment I have ever been in. 

I can forever kick myself that I didn't go to the all girl's Rutger's Douglas Campus before Mary Daly was sued using Title IX. I Could have been the best feminist the world has ever seen. Can you use a college acceptance that is 20 years old? Douglas here I come. I've been seriously considering going back to school when Zack goes to college. I may have to wait until he is done to afford both though.

I'm really proud of him. He's a really good teenager. I know because I was a really bad teenager. It's so weird to be thinking so much about my teenage years for so many reasons. High School Jackie Lane would never doubt herself for a second. She had an epic set of balls. I have often looked to her when I need to get Through Some Shit & the pandemic years have been no exception that's for sure. I just remember punching loads of grown men in mosh pits. I feel like I wish people were not afraid of me but I spent the better part of 20 years making people fear me. I have mellowed out a lot in my old age. But I am still far from mellow. I have a lot of energy left to get things done. Bitches are in fact the only people in life who get anything done. This world needs a clean up & a hygiene lesson & I intend to give it. Every space is worthwhile. We need to keep this place beautiful. Rest In Power Steve Fago. 

@JackieLane2020 on twitter & instagram @jackielanehair on twitter & instagram 

@hermalegenitals for radfem shitposting

It's really going to be music I perform live someday though. I need to eventually. I just have to bite the bullet & cry in public. The singing that comes out in between will be good too. People think I am joking. I am serious like a heart attack as I always say. 

This entire blog entry is just everything I thought we'd be talking about dude. I finally meet your mom after all these years & she's delightful! Maybe she'll come see Jill Ramme play with me. She said she almost kept your ma when she dumped you. It takes a good mom to raise a good son. Anyone's good son can fall victim to the opiate epidemic or even the alcohol epidemic or the pornography epidemic. 

We need to have compassion for those we love. Even when we don't really want to. Nothing else will stop the endless warring. We need world peace & we need it now. My dad made me listen to the entirety of American Pie when I was little, he also has a love of Frank Zappa & the one thing I inherited of my parents loving years is their record collection "From the Music Library of Bob & Linda Lane". I don't know if my dad got the second half of the collection out of his house fast enough after Hurricane Sandy to save it. Who knows. He didn't let me help him clean it out. I was only in it once. Looked similar to how I had left it.  I could have helped more. I have the half I stole in college & have moved 10 times since. Keith & I watched a documentary called The Day The Music Died about how that song was written & toiled over. 

Music is a web if connections. Feeling severed from that web has had a disastrous effect on the class divide. So many former working class musicians are now pimping "woke" protofascist dogma that can not be questioned. 

I keep thinking about Jason climbing the walls of Rock Star Headquarters on a ladder to get me the Only one of a very old Rage Against The Machine sticker from high off the wall. I think about how brutal it is to be dehumanized as birthing people by your radical idols. Too afraid to question this current social requirement. Now that Rock Star Headquarters burned down the year after Hurricane Sandy I can be happy I felt it was so important to rescue in that moment. 

 My mom & Zack & I went to Atlantic City for her 67th birthday. So many homeless people. So many people gambling. I can't stand the thought of either being so normal in this world. Public prostitution is coming next as far as the normal things no one ever wanted but are surely coming to pass with everything happening. 

On a much happier excursion Keith & my mom & I went to Stony Hill Farms Sunflower Field & got lost there one entire Sunday morning in the blistering heat. We all wore sun shirts & silly hats though & we did just fine. It was the exact sort of weather that 🌻 Sunflowers like. We each got to cut a bouquet of sunflowers & Zinnias ourselves in milk bottles & a rustic bucket. 

I didn't think Zack would like the 3 hours in the car but it wasn't bad at all the time of day we went & I am bummed he didn't get to see it. Hopefully he gets to go up & see it somehow this year or next. It's really incredible. 

Everyone needs to see it. I am telling everyone about it. It was life changing. 

I am determined not to miss out on life changing things. I think of my friends & what they deserve to be doing instead of sitting in an early grave. I greatly remember thinking it would be me someday because I would die with my secrets. Also my nickname was Death. Now I have none left to hide. Only things I've not yet lived or remembered. 

I'm sure my Middle & High School Journals would seem much more far away than they did when I read them at 25. Another 12 years has passed. This time I've maintained the same blog. It is in vogue to use Substack. Or some other Only Fans, Patreon Knock-Off. I am still, after all these years, into radically creating/sharing all this art with you for free. It's my version of freedom. To be an Ad-Free Artist forever. I still only ever promote my friend's businesses & regular people's art projects on social media or IRL. It feels good to know who I am. It makes it a lot harder for anyone to take it from you. The previous times I lost it, I didn't know what I had. Now no one could convince me otherwise so easily. 

When Keith & I finished laying carpet, no Allison, not a euphemism. We hung all 4 paintings that we got at the Soup Can Magazine's Anniversary at The Strand Theater in Lakewood where my family has so much herstory in my house that I am about to own entirely on my own for the first time. They look so beautiful it is hard to describe. I've never been so proud of something. I can't wait until Casey comes to visit & test it out for me. Keith & I are going to get some good Wi-Fi going soon since there's bad cell reception. HMU if you want to stay in my tiny house at The Jersey Shore for a week. Friends/artists only, looking for a beach retreat. See you soon. 

Until Next Time...

Jackie Fucking Lane 

Serendipity Rain

I've had a weird sunroof related car problem I've been dealing with where water was silently leaking into my car via cracked tubs leading to my front passenger carpet. It was under rubber car mats so it took A Lot of rain before I noticed even the rubber mat was full of water. I took it out of the evil car dealers service center & brought it to my old place I used to go where the wife used to drive me home when my parents were busy working at the salon & the deli & my car would always be busted. I have taken 3 other cars to them! 😂 

Turns out the son runs it now & he was Super nice & has a Really similar car & they Even work on Diesels which my car is a weird thing most mechanics don't even wanna touch. So a shitty thing made me solve this where to get my car maintenance thing cause I Hated the dealership but I 💕 love my car. I don't even car if it costs the same amount of $ I just would rather give 1000 to someone in town. 

VW is evil. I felt guilty leaving the dealership cause Calvin my mechanic is a brilliant dope guy who the day I met him, rolling in there with a car I Just Bought that was already busted without me even getting it home. He gave me a ride home, I Trusted A Strange Man, My Cell Phone Was Dead. The service center was long closed for the day & he was working overtime to get something done. But the entire rest of the establishment should probably burn. They were all out drinking together the day I met Calvin. 🤣 

I started this blog post as a text message to a friend that I suddenly realized they probably didn't want & was no longer for just them. I feel pulled away from writing all the time lately. I feel this constant need to answer everyone because I remember a time where I was not good at all at answering people. People reached out & I did not reach back. Now I'm always like, where did everybody go? Many think I am an evil Terf whose abuse by men that started in childhood & lasted until I was 33 years old when I finally started telling the truth about it, was my fault because that's just who I am & the way I wanted it to be. 

People will talk about "child abuse victims" to me as if they are someone other than me. Their Trauma. Their This, Their That, Their The Other Thing. But I find we're all very similar in a lot of ways. I don't like the distancing language. Where are the people not growing up in this pornified land? I don't know who would be able to escape it. 

Women without modern plumbing fixtures or in countries without stable electricity or water, those women aren't safe from rape culture & sexual abuse. Male violence permeates all corners of reality at the moment. Women become free only with modern conveniences like the sex segregated spaces. Women need places to talk away from men & to organize.We need plumbing & education to make it so that women can escape the realities of "womanhood". Having to pee all the time, & knowing that it is normal & the way our bodies actually are different than men's. Even bigger women have smaller bladders than men the same size. Men the same size do not have an entire uterus or ovaries holding court in their guts. It may not be the fact that our reproductive rights organs takes up that much space so much as our bodies are different. Categorically speaking. 

What does this have to do with Volkswagen. Calvin treated me, not like an idiot who just bought a sh*t car but like a smart woman who needed ammunition to fight this battle against the Cadillac dealer whom I had just bought it from, but the building was empty except for us. I had to ask my dad for More help, an insufferable man who had Just helped me buy the car in the first place for advice. It was good advice. My letter to the consumer reporting agency in that county got my initial car fixes paid for by the dealership who sold it to me. The car has been So So Dependable & never left me stranded on a highway but I've done Every recommended maintenance so has also been a money pit in minor repairs. It's a diesel engine though & I hope to put 2x as many miles on it as are on it right now. I wanna drive this car until I am my mother's age so I Needed a good mechanic. In walked Calvin the man who was helpful & friendly enough that I got in his car & let him drive me home without a MFing Cell phone! I felt guilty leaving this man but he works for the devil & the top down management at the dealership is evil. 

I'm glad I found someone my age with a small local business who knows my type of car so well as to have one himself as the owner of the repair shop. He has the Golf Wagon GTI with the panoramic sunroof though & I have the baby version TDI with the regular sunroof & a crazy powerful turbo diesel engine for this itty bitty hatchback. I'm not just a radical feminist because I've faced sexual abuse. 

I've also faced many other forms of subtle discrimination from macho "alpha" identified type men in the car world, in the music world, in the video game world, in the comic world, even in the Hair World. But in the car world it's super common for me to find men who immediately dismiss me. It's usually men who know less than me & assume I must also know nothing like them. Despite being raised by not 1 but 2 male mechanics who loved talk radio & a mom who worked 70 hours a week at times. I picked up a couple things. 

I have a much better mental understanding than physical ability. Male tools are often not the right strength standard for most women. What I mean is no matter what I've done with cars I've always needed someone with naturally stronger muscles to help aka do all the work while we collectively figured out what to do. But I've read more than one Chilton taken out of the Ocean County Library in my day & I enjoy when a man will treat me like a human being enough to get to know me & find that out about me. Some intellectual type men just don't give a fuck about cars & always go to a trusted mechanic. Some "car" identified types will dismiss you before they even find out how much you understand. I appreciate finding a man who obviously had a mother who understands cars. I wish more women would be encouraged by having tools easily available that are designed for our hand size/strength. Until then we need more great mechanics in the world like Calvin at VW & the Pro-Cat family.  

But if the rain hadn't filled my car with rainwater I wouldn't be going through any of this. When I met this car I felt like it was going to take me on a journey & it really fucking has in so many ways. It's amazing on the highway & I've been so many places in it I probably wouldn't have been otherwise.

There's been a lot of controversy & infighting among those critical of gender in the past month. The radical right wing is doing their dirty work of using neoliberal propaganda & misogyny to split the modern day feminist movement into a thousand little tiny factions. Dividing the solidarity amongst transsexuals & feminists was always only the first blow. Long decided upon alliances have been broken. Friendships built have been dashed to the wayside. Make love not war friends. 

I don't know how to make it clear enough that I will Never Choose sides of anyone's friendship wars & stonewalling demands. I will never Not Ever decide a woman is crazy. Not even for being angry. I may not want to be around them anymore for personal reasons. I think we all have a choice who we associate with. No one really associates with me openly on social media if they can avoid it. 

Some people patron me & I them. Some people see me oot & aboot but since I got removed from Facebook I was removed from being invited places often. It's weird feeling like a cancelled social pariah among a certain art community or the internet in certain spheres when normal working class people I meet IRL have No Idea about any of it. Or they have more of an observational view than a participatory relationship to the web. 

This writing should probably be published after the one I have saved & Unfinished but as this one is finished first in it's sentiment, for once I am publishing out of order & considering a thing for a while before I finish it & publish it. Look at me evolving over time. 

I have been noticing a lot more serendipity lately which is how I always know I am on the right track. Thanks Naomi Buechner for leaving me with that. You seemed so wise & so eternally young as the same time? We've all suffered losing someone important to us too soon because of this for profit instead of For People system. I just want us to have compassion for our fellow man but especially our fellow woman. 

Love,

Jackie Lane 

The Importance of Coasters

You wouldn't believe me if I told you. I've been cancelled again. This time I objected to some Lisa Frank esq. art with a long form groom into Eating Ass. I also said for the 1000th time that nobody Needs adderall & that speed is delicious for every human being, not just the special adhd snowflakes. I know.

 How controversial of me...

I'm not really surprised at all ever anymore. Many people are so fucking sedated to deal with what is happening to their world. The ones that are still alive. 

I lie. 

Every person that leaves me over their wholehearted love & defense of pornography guts me to the core. I just Assume everyone will agree with me. 

Every. 

Single.

Time. 

I tend to assume others have the same mindset I do. That they can still see violence. That they can still tell when something is real or not. I forget everyone hasn't worked on movies. I forget everyone hasn't been obsessed with Playboy since childhood. I forget that people are willfully ignorant. I just assume if they're my friend that they care about the safeguarding of women & children & yet often times this assumption has left me socially humiliated & ostracized for what I consider to be entirely reasonable beliefs. 

Being cool is all that matters. What does it mean to be cool if when you try to be cool it can backfire? It means being socially accepted. No one feels accepted for who they are right now. Everyone thinks they will need plastic surgery as they age or as I like to call it. 

Surgery. 

Plastic implies a sort of 3D printing Frankenstein effect on the human body as opposed to the reality of what surgery does. We as a culture worship surgery & doctors. At times surgeons perform great miracles when necessary. But in other instances we live in a world where people are expected to make money always, to create a need even when there is not one. 

A healthy human body should never be cut open by a surgeon ever. It's against medical ethics. And yet even with the Outstanding risks such unnecessary surgeries cause they were still scheduled throughout the coronavirus pandemic. Instead of using every single doctor & space in the hospital for CV19 patients they continued to perform elective surgeries on the mentally ill. Anyone wanting to cut up a healthy body & expose it to the harshest of chemicals through anesthesia & mutilate it & then have to expose it to opiates just to heal the formerly healthy body is mentally ill. 

How is this happening so often while all hands should be on deck in medicine for the pandemic? At this point most psychologists & most doctors are scam artists. How can you tell anyone they are Mentally Ill or have Anxiety right now? No shit you have anxiety, that's not an illness. It's a natural fucking reaction. 

A select few of us that believed climate change was really happening & that rising temperatures would cause germs to mutate more effectively are sitting over here wondering why the fuck everyone is so surprised at the turn of events that communist believers call End Stage Capitalism or as the bible thumpers understand from The Book of Revelations. 

Evidently even the secularists who aren't supposed to take The Bible literally missed the metaphors upon close reading. Famine, Pestilence. We have seen floods, fire, tornadoes, hurricanes, pest explosions. These were never just stories. They were the answer to how we prevent these things in the first place. We long ago lost our path. 

The Bible is not even as close to as old as the stories in it. Those stories passed from human to human over millennia making us into who we are now. They have been manipulated many times over into what powerful men wanted them to say. But those stories were originally the stories our grandmothers told us while we were too young to leave the house. Too fragile yet for the dangers of the outside world. Back when, we understood that many would die from childhood illness. 

We can lose anything when taken for granted for too long. 

I assumed all the people I knew who wanted a different world where we respected the environment in which we live would also extend that to respecting the human body, in its original form. The adult human female form, that of women. 

I had no idea how addicted people were to pornography because it's not a problem I've personally ever had. I see violence against women every time, I see child-like girls who are barely women. I see reality instead of the lie that is sold to us that these women are rarely ever trafficked children sold into sexual abuse. These whores are happy, horny, & enthusiastic to be sold for all the world to consume. 

The ONLY reason anyone, any man, believes that bullshit is because he was indoctrinated into it during childhood. He then backed up a lifetime of cultural grooming into pornography culture with orgasming to that violence because part of that cultural brainwashing included that if you don't do it, you're not a real man.

Now if you go far enough down the hypno-sissy pornography rabbit hole you can actually be brainwashed into believing you Are a woman & that you always wanted to be one, even before the lifetime of brainwashing, the indoctrination through orgasm, & the escalation into material that depicts women in more & more dehumanizing ways. 

We all seem to know that all men view pornography as normal. We all seem to know that this cultural sexual abuse of children that leads to them wanting to dissociate from their own body whether through eating disorders, anorexia & binge eating, cutting, or gender dysphoria. Yet we sit here arguing over who & what is to blame. 

Men are to blame.

For their intense hatred of women. 

The men I just spoke of were groomed through online pornography since childhood. But what of the men who were raised to create the content in the first place. Often their own mothers were sold. Sometimes by their fathers. But other times they are upper class men who grew up on consumption material. 

The Marquis De Sade was not the first aristocrat who raped & tortured women for his own pleasure.  He is just the first to write down a popular practice of the time he was in & write long form (male) moral justifications for why they have a right to behave that way. Nothing is Natural. Everything is learned & chosen & in many instances with as smart as humans have become since women invented written language, contrived. 

Men do these things on purpose. Men do these things with purpose. They can all feign not knowing the purpose. They learn that at an incredibly early age, how to lie to women. They claim "I don't know. I didn't know. Every other man does it." 

They know. 

They don't care. 

Their power over society & their desire to continue to consume women who they see as disposable trumps any sympathy they can pretend to muster. 

The kids are not alright. 

When I was first exposed to the internet as a teenager mostly our working class parents didn't know there was so much to protect us from. It was a desert wasteland full of old men who spent way too much time alone fixing computers & watching pornography & the Nations Children having inserted one of the 1000s of America On Line... [online still two fucking words? what!] disks that were mailed to our parents. Everyone would pay to be online. It's a monopoly utility we funded through the abundant military tax we pay & yet they sold it to us like a product we had a choice whether or not to participate in or consume. 

The Wizard of Oz & Harry Potter are only 2 stories of good & evil in a long lineage of children's fairy tales. We used Fairy Tales to prepare children for the things they can't even imagine when they are small but with which they are even more prone to being victim to. By the time we are adults we establish boundaries, sometimes because we are taught, other times because we learned the hard way. Some of us go to therapy & talk about what actually happened to us. But many of us still must use the analogies or metaphors of our childhood to explain the things in the world that almost seem without explanation. We lose ourselves in escapist media. 

How are so many children still sexually abused & beaten. The ones who aren't, told to be thankful that they are ignored & well fed. Just like women. The standard of treatment men have to meet being set by the worst men & fathers instead of men being held to some sort of ideal. 

If we're to escape this world where child abuse is the norm. Where dissociation is the norm. We all need to be able to speak about these things in clear language. Using clear & simple words that even the simplest minds can understand. Those of lesser understanding, children & the disabled are the most at risk to sexual violence. 

Pedophiles are not real. 

The idea of the pedophile was created by men to afford their crimes of opportunity an explanation. Men do not take sexual advantage because of attraction. They take sexual advantage because they have been taught they can if they want to & little is in place in the world to stop them. 

What social mores we had, have been eroded. We consider ourselves & we are, a statistically more peaceful world. But someone is fudging the numbers. Someone has redefined words such as violence to mean criticisms of men instead of pain enacted upon women. 

Someone has redefined pornography to mean sex instead of the filmed evidence of men's hatred towards women or anything that suggests women as a class are submissive by nature. Someone has redefined nudity as pornographic. Nudity is only pornographic when it implies women are "naturally" submissive. Because as we know natural is not a thing. We learn. We grow. 

Someone has redefined Free Speech to be images of violence against women & children instead of our right to speak out against them. 

Who are these people?

What are their social interests & goals for society? 

Why have we handed over the reigns? 

Love,

Jackie Fucking Lane 

Find me on Instagram & Twitter @JackieLane2020, 2020 as in hindsight not the year because the year was in the future when I picked it & not the past. I can also Very Recently be found again on Facebook until they figure out I'm there. I participate on YouTube as Jackie Lane. 

Let's make friends. Turn to someone near you & say hello. You are missed, the world needs you. 

Accidents Happen

Preface: This must have been written in June 2018 & I chose never to publish it until now. I think I felt it was too personal at the time. But with all the things I've posted online before it & since I'm gonna slap it up here with other things I've written more recently in contrast. I have been writing more stories from friends & work & the pandemic, more politics & radical feminism & less my own life. But writing about my own life wasn't so bad. My literacy set me free like Fredrick Douglas said it would. Here you go. Let's do the time warp again...

This is the one year anniversary of having to sit in court in a little room with a little man on chairs made for littler people than he and I with 2 in between us and 4 total. Opposite corners of our metephorical boxing ring. While I was condescended to by two gross men one whom I had never met before and one whom I know better than anyone should know anyone ever.

We signed a form letter I could have downloaded a PDF of online that said we agreed to never talk to one another ever again. Phew that's a relief. Surely this little white piece of magic will protect me from the rapist murderer pedophile I engaged with for 6 years and who I told the truth about on the internet. But I was still happy. It still said all the things I wanted it to say. And surprisingly the things we were forbidden from doing listed all the things he had done to me and none of the things I had supposedly done to him.

It is still crazy to me that it cost me like $250 dollars which would have been $2000 but I got a refund cause I was innocent. But the police and court paperwork cost enough man hours to get that it wasted that much time and money. But I really had best case scenario. My family believed me. My behavior made sense to some people. I'm almost too honest really. Most people don't like it. But I'm keeping it. It makes me not want to kill myself like Kate Spade or Anthony Bordain. I have signed no contracts to anyone limiting what I can say. 

Granted no one wants to hear what I have to say. And no one likely ever will without advertising dollars because that is the way the world works now. At least my ideas are safe as long as they are too long winded for most people to digest.

Now I'm doing fantastic. Nothing says "I am innocent" like moving your wife and 2 daughters and son to a remote town in Alaska. I worry about them being isolated with him. It's just been a long road.

Defeating my porn addicted abuser wasn't enough for me though and he still has access to women to abuse. I don't want any other women to be going through what I went through.

All the suicidal ideation I had my entire life (I was also abused by my brother starting somewhere between 9 and 12 until 19, supposedly he moved to Peru!) is gone and I now know my life has a purpose. Helping people has always been the only thing that got me through. Women with stories and purposes like mine having public existence helps a lot of women come to the breaking point to realize they can be free. I hope someday all of us are free. ;'-)

This week on Wednesday Gram didn't remember to wear earrings. And she didn't know how to put her head back to get her hair washed. Even though she hasn't known who me and my mom are for months except occasionally she always has earrings on and remembers to take them out when she feels them go back into the sink. Not this time.

I went to see my friends Jen and Julie play music at The Downtown in Red Bank. I've even afraid to go there since I was a kid. Afraid to run into my sisters or brother or worse their mother even though I don't know what she looks like. Maybe she doesn't know what I look like either. I only found out how to spell her name when I moved back into my house that was 3 doors down from the abuser I had to go to court with. I got a collections notice for a bill my brother had in his name when he lived there.

I know I'm not wrong. Men take my space and make it their own. I have documentation of that taking place over and over. Men think it is ok to colonize your space. They think it is their own. But #notallmen.

I left that and went to go see Bent Knee place at The Saint. A place I'm as comfortable in as my own home. A place I've been going to longer than I've had either of my current homes. They are so God damn talented. It was crowded for a Wednesday night. It wasn't just people I knew and my friend group it was a lot of people who evidently obsessively love Bent Knee and know all their lyrics. I do. But I didn't realize their are way more intense fans than that. And I realized how do you reconcile when you're Taylor Swift or Justin Timberlake status? If it just keeps growing like that? 

How do you Live with not being human anymore?

Thursday I worked all day 10am to 8pm. With a break to pick up Zack from school. Friday I went for a massage in the morning like I usually do. But it was sort of depressing because I realized I don't really want to go there anymore. It's no longer exciting or relaxing for some reason. The time is too quiet with my own mind and I don't want to talk about anything with the therapist. Then I went to Lava Java to get a Large Iced Coffee and a chocolate croissant and a shot of espresso because I was exhausted already at 1030am I stopped at work to pick up the checks to deposit and went to the bank where I also ran in to get copies of a years worth of statements and check copies my mom needed. Then I had to take Turtle the 10 year old cat I adopted to the groomer and then I went to work. From 12 to 3 and did a haircut. Got Zack from school. Ate some lunch. Went back to work to do a blow out and clean up, left around 530. Got home took a shower got dressed did my makeup for the Porchistas Porch Drive Wristband Release Show because I Really Wanted To see people who smile when they see me. And I am having a hard time growing the circle of people who smile when they see me. Everyone seems stressed out lately. Or maybe they just hate me. But these guys don't hate me.

Last year before I came clean about going through what I went through. I was gravitating towards anyone who smiled every time they saw me. I had a multiple friends ask me if I was trying to fuck people because I smile at people and they smile at me when I see them. I don't want to fuck anyone. I think now finally even with the way I dress and the way I walk and talk and smile and laugh at certain people. I don't want to fuck anyone. If I want you to touch me at this point in any way I'm pretty sure you're a safe human being.

What if I just wanted to hold people's hands and look them in the eyes and tell them, "You are a beautiful human being." all creepy like.

Isn't that enough?

Isn't that more intimacy than anyone is used to because we're all in love with our screens which are a reflections of ourselves.

Birds of a feather flock together. Right? Not all men believe in war. Not all men believe in fighting. Some men believe in art and love just as much as any romantic. If you're a man in this world it's a lot more likely you don't have a place to fit into if you don't want to Support The Troops and you think all troops should be turned into humanitarian aid workers. The kind who Don't rape the locals. Or pick them up on Tinder to enact scenes From their favorite savior/captive porn on.

 

I told a friend that I hate the internet. That for a short time it connected us because it showed us that there were things going on and that our friends would be there. Now it pretty much doesn't. People don't want to be tracked instead. People are filled with fear instead. We may have condescended about Obama because he could do almost none of the things he promised us he would but we were out and we were confident. And we were not as afraid.

The Orange Menace has shown that we need real leaders in our own communities. That celebrities have just as many hours a week to solve problems as we do. And that our problems are our own and do not belong to old men sitting on clouds in the sky. They can no more point their fingers at us and fix the world than they could when they were Greek.

Love,
Jackie Lane

Is Silence Violence or Is Violence Violence

I feel like I was always this person but perhaps people miss when I played a pornified stereotype when I was a young woman. What they don't realize is that all old crones & hags were once young women who played into the pornified stereotype to try to get along. Thinking of all the older women that warned me a long way about the young men that I surround myself with. That they were not to be trusted. 

Some people find surprising my feminist beliefs,  my anti-pornography & anti-prostitution belief. And my general aversion to the way young women are treated but I've always felt this way. I've just come out of the closet, so to speak. As a feminist, because once you get older you realize that you should've listened to every single woman who warned you about what was about to happen. 

I am losing more friends every day. Ones who say they are open to all the most open-minded opinions. Except for my opinion that even people who think they deserve violence inflicted on them, don't. 

It's not an opinion, in my humble fucking opinion, that no one deserves or actually chooses violence willingly. Just because cutters & Masochists believe they can only gain attention & affection through violence does not mean that they deserve the violence they are enacting on themselves. 

I told Keith I think that I'm so upset because my mom lead me to believe when I was a kid that this would be over by now. I didn't realize that the submission of women was being documented visually by the evil secret overlords everyone always claims to hate but spend their lives secretly absorbing the carefully cultivated propaganda of. Whether through actual porn sites or by publicly absorbing the idea via Facebook & Instagram through massive normalization campaigns. 

Since I decided to only take in radical feminist perspectives on violence it's been completely unavoidable to stay entirely away from pornography or solicitation on Instagram or Twitter. I Only follow feminist perspectives & yet this is a regular part of discussions in my life or posts I see on social media made by women that I know. 

How do we end BDSM being a normalized practice? If silence is violence than is silence about violence extra violent? Or perhaps was the redefinition of the word violence to mean silence a huge societal mistake? One that put millions of women & children at risk. 

Violence is violence. The idea of consensual violence needs to end because there is no such thing. All violence seeks to control. It could be said that some violence is accidental but that's not what is being said. What is being said is that some violence is good. Some violence is necessary. Some violence is human nature & we must do it because we can't conceptualize a reality without it. 

It is time we let go of the idea of human nature and embrace the idea that we've become so evolved we make human choices. When you have embraced the idea of human nature you can excuse a whole host of choices that you otherwise wouldn't have done.

It is not something we learned. It was woven into every fiber of our beings from the moment we're conceived. 

We learned these violent ways & we can unlearn them. 

My recent facsimiled goal is to learn how to teach non violence. Wish me luck ladies.

Don't Get Distracted By Bullshit, Don't Be Polite To Pervs, & Stay Strong.

Love, 

Jackie Lane 

PS. Check out Exulansic's Adder Bladder Oil on YouTube. You won't regret it. 

The Year Without Music

I still wear my mask when I am being served. I am fully vaccinated but there is no way for that person to know that, the mask is a clear sign that even if I wasn't fully vaxxed & pro-vaccine that they can see that shows I care about their life.  

The things that are happening to shut down society. 

The pandemic level viruses. 

The media running amok. 

The heat that is too hot to go outside. 

These are all signs of capitalism failing under the strain of valuing the quantity of people around us as opposed to the quality of those people's lives. 

Who hasn't been caught in the trap of wondering if they have enough friends or followers, no matter how few or how many you actually have? Digital data can never fill the void of human faces. 

Until we fix the environment & learn to appreciate it, it will continue to be hellish when we go outside. Either too hot or too cold, too humid, a hurricane, a nor'easter, a snow storm, a polar vortex, a flash flood, a coastal flood. We need to find balance with the natural world & we need to find it now. 

I am tired of the fact that the oligarchs have taken every activist person I know & occupied them with fantasy conversations about gender bullshit instead of focusing on real world problems that we can take action on. 

I realized this week that men no longer declare war. Even though since coming into office the Biden Administration has committed acts of war. 

In the same way illegal legislation was passed to usurp the rights & the vote of women as a class, they are ignoring legal parameters & committing acts of war without the approval of congress & the entire country. 

The cabal of people who decide who get drone strikes or who are sent missiles is very very small at this point. Honestly no one should have that sort of power & certainly not the sort of people cultivated by violent gonzo pornography which is what all men are now. Orgasm is the post potent chemical cocktail known to humans. Men are too emotionally stunted & abused by capitalist pornography to effectively run this world anymore. And guess what lads & ladies, these mother fuckers be the majority because so many women have been lost to infanticide or abortion for being female & too many women are being murdered. As global domestic violence data plummeted during the pandemic because the cops were no longer coming if you called unless you were already injured. That violence that is usually publicly recorded moved into the homes & bedrooms of women.

The world is statistically less violent than it has ever been in history. But what about Herstory? Less violence means less men dying in war. But how will things pan out for women now that we are once again an actual minority? 

Of course the special class of bourgeoisie women want to identify out of the oppression that will come with global economic collapse. 

Women need each other more than ever before now that we can all clearly & plainly view the evidence of how much men hate women through pornography. 

It's incredible that men who claim to be progressive leftists defend pornography & their use of it. They are against worker exploitation until it comes to women because women are seen as men or sluts now. There is no in between. You are either willing to be fucked & stuffed in any way imaginable or you're not a woman at all. 

You must be willing to be submissive. Even non binary women identify as "submissive". They think they are class activists while being the same class as the Marquis deSade & being just like the people who fawned over his aristocratic ass during the French revolution. Women let men educate them on a whole manner of things that are complete bullshit. 

Today I saw a woman call the human race a problem & call herself a misanthrope. But it's not The Human Race that primarily rapes & murders. It is men. It is not Mankind or the human race. It is male violence. 

Then it lead to the fact that "psychopathy" is rampant. Again this is more historical male bullshit. 

Psychopathy doesn't exist, it's stereotypical male violence that has a long & well documented lineage. 

I would throw narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, etc in this category as well. Any phrase or diagnonsense that immediately deems the subject incapable of humanity & a full range of understanding & the ability of humans to change their minds & learn. I don't believe in it for a second other than that men use these tools of obsfucation to make it more difficult for women to talk about our civil rights as a class of people. 

This was supposed to be about my year without live music. It turned into an anti-capitalism radical feminist rant instead. 

I spent all year without spontaneously going to see people play live music which is my one true love other than Keith. We spent much of our early relationship popping into a million different events in Asbury Park & around the Jersey Shore. 

I consider the people I used to see out & who knew my old facebook persona Jackie Lane to be my friends but many of them won't speak to me these days & treat me like a social pariah because to them I am a terf. 

I have never excluded anyone in my life. I have bullied quite a few people, I mimicked those who bullied me & I am rather good at it. I felt I used it on others who have been bullies themselves & used that to justify my behavior. I no longer do that. I don't believe it is a worthwhile use of human energy & life force to tear down others when you have the choice to avoid those people who don't want your help & remain open to finding the people who do. 

I have been excluded & talked bad about & a close friend of mine was told I am dangerous by someone I don't know. I find that the most ironic part. I have faced a lifetime of being excluded from the cool kids club & now the cool kids are turning that on me as well & saying I am the one excluding them. 

They have said I am the oppressor, I am the Cis Woman, which loud, abrasive, masculine, punches grown men in the mosh pits after swim practice, Jackie Lane can't begin to wrap her feminine skull around. 

How do you exclude people by supporting their events & paying for their art? How is it exclusive to be more educated on transition, disorders of sex development & gender studies than most other people because each of those things has effected my life greatly at some point? 

I'm not sure but I do know that when I say women don't have penises I get random harassment from random men & women I don't know online, telling me what a terf I am. Telling me what a bad person I am in their opinion without ever having met me, without knowing a damn thing about the type of "butch" & "femme" weirdos I have always held court with. 

You can be whatever you wanna be but as soon as you think it's cool to have your dick out around kids, Any kids at all, we aren't cool anymore! I'm gonna call that shit out every time. It's not cool to sexualize minors. This whole groomy "crack an egg" culture adults participate in where they befriend other people's children online to help Educate them on trans issues. What happened to any adult that wants to befriend any kids online for any reason is Suspect?! 

I spent all this year banished from my artistic circle online because I've been deemed problematic & being banished from public because of the pandemic. 

All these women from all the world have come to me or I've gone to them with similar stories. Left leaning progressive democratic spaces being infiltrated by this women have penises "No Debate" bullshit. I've met woman after woman who describes the same governmental & ideological capture of those around them. 

I went to go see live music a few times this summer. I was so fucking excited it had resumed. I felt some kinda way hearing it again for the first time. I saw an actual choir perform at my son's high school; with masks. It sounded amazing. 

I have seen my friend's bar band play a couple times, the audience is exceedingly loud, rude & drunk. There are less people allowed. All the people who do things tend to be the types who never followed the regulations in the first place. Either got their vaccine first before anyone else "me-first" type or the "doesn't believe in it at all" type.  

I went to an LGBTQIA2S+ event & was forced to show a vaccine card, couldn't bring my chronically ill friend who can't get the vaccine. Almost all the performers performed solo. I don't know if that speaks to the narcissistic personality traits being expressed through loosely defined "trans" culture these days or if it just speaks to how lonely 2020 truly was for many of us. 

A friend asked me to write more lately so I decided to open up a couple old writing prompts I left for myself & Let Her Rip. 

Keith is taking a nap, otherwise it's hard to find time to sit by myself with my thoughts long enough to write long form these days. I always feel even when I do that it's interrupted by the fullness of my life. I skipped a lot of writing while I was forced out of work because of the pandemic. It was too depressing for me to express my "I told you so" attitude about the state of the world. That's not the vibe I want to create in the world. 

I told you so about, 

The environment because coronavirus exists at all. 

The government because they were so half assed their only idea was to halt things completely. 

The inability of all of us to travel & work because nothing in life was actually sanitary before & just nobody gave a shit.

I've had a lot of influence in my life. I wish I had been more careful & effective. I always promoted feminism but now that my feminism is actually feminist people believe I'm not a feminist but some right wing zealot. 

Feminism is inherently antipornography because pornography is the filmed record of the degradation men perform on young women. 

Feminism is inherently antigender because gender is the prescribed set of sex based stereotypes that try to force each & every person to act out certain personality traits & social roles based on their sex. 

Feminism is inherently anticapitalist because capitalism profits off of the unpaid & underpaid labor of women & girls globally. 

Women need a vote. We need a say in a democratic society. With men in a majority in the world we will need strong feminist leadership so that the world does not devolve into chaos & war as it has many times in the past. 

Today I drove by the tent that has sold Trump flags & paraphernalia since before the election. I've said from day one I bet they are capitalist carnies who don't really give a fuck about Trump they just want to make money & be on the winner's side. Today I drove by to drop my son off at work on The Island, There was a new blue tent set up on The Left side with a Black Lives Matter flag & some version of a rainbow "trans" flag hanging  inside. Every civil war needs two sides. Which side are you on? Which side are you on? Eh?

No Sides. 

No Masters. 

Lay down your guns. 

Build me a speed train. 

They are talking about trains actually finally in the stimulus infrastructure bill. I worry though. In this world instead of good paying jobs with benefits etc I fear the people building them will be treated as disposable & chewed up & spit out. We churn through retail workers & eat them alive, what of the men who mold steel? I've read too much history & I know what the oligarchs do to get stuff done & also expand their wealth at the same time. What's a few less poor mouths to feed? 

So music. It's back but it's not the same. I went to a really high end liberal farm to table restaurant. The food is amazing. But the experience was over $100 for 2 people, somewhere we used to be able to see the same live bands for free. The restaurant chose to explain its "been subpar since they opened Years ago" service with a long tirade printed out on the table about how many servers don't want to return to work because they are still on unemployment. Not realizing if the pandemic is still bad enough that the government is extending & paying out giant amounts of extra money for unemployment that the restaurant would be half dead anyway from the global pandemic & the resulting economic collapse. 

So I'm still going out & dancing. I overtip, I make donations. I'm still doing the Jackie Lane thing but the places I go & the thing I do become more classist & elitist with time. The income inequality has only grown since the Occupy Wall Street movement for global change because we have done nothing to stop its rapid increase. We need a powerful trust buster to get into it with those in charge of the world & make them intervene for the greater good. We need the United States of Radical Feminism. 

Love,

Jackie Fucking Lane

I Freed 3 Women

Dear Readers,

Sometimes I perform as many as 6 miracles before breakfast. I've gone quieter in my old age. Less people are listening but my voice carries to those who need it most. I have been wondering why I've been writing so much less. I've become constantly busy with people & messages & social media upkeep. But I know there is more down time than that. I know I Could find the time to write. 

I have a lot to say.

I have not found any new secrets to keep but I have been helping women in a far more powerful way than I used to be able to in the past. My arsenal has grown. But I feel compelled to protect their stories because they felt confident enough to confide them in me. 

Soon I will overflow & the stories will all spill out onto the collective consciousness that is the internet. The World Wide Web. I prefer to think of it that way. That the proper spider could dance their way across it. That it's a force that we discovered that connects us all. 

But we discovered it. We did not invent it.

Our web is designed after webs of human connection that has existed far longer than data tabulating machines have. 

Women call to me.

In their greatest times of need. 

I feel they do to my mother & that they did with my grandmother's too. 

I have known clients in my salon who forget who they are but still know they are supposed to go to Abraxas. 

what a small word for all it encompasses. 

Abraxas.

People often ask Me what it means. As if that is any sort of a simple answer at this point. 

It is my everything. My mother built it. My grandmother's supported it to every extent they could when they were still here. My community makes it thrive. Abraxas is a concept in a Herman Hesse book, referenced on the back of a Santana Album but I do not for one second that men can understand or speak for Abraxas. 

I read an article this morning in Lesbian & Gay News that was incredible. I should actually link to it, it was that good. 

I had a hard cry about my mom's best friend & business partner Gabe. I thought about how when he died in 2010 he still had never lived his life entirely out as a gay man. We knew. Some people knew. Few people knew he was a Vietnam veteran & few people knew he was gay. It always seemed obvious to me, but I was a small child raised to believe there was nothing wrong with being gay. Many people can't see what they don't want to see. 

When my mom was in high school, 1969 to 1973 was exactly the era of the Stonewall Riots & the pamphlets that sparked the gay rights movement. 

Gay rights are not won for everyone in the world. Not even close yet. There are still many places where people are beaten for being gay or murdered for being gay. LGB organizations are being harassed by straight people who fetishize homosexuality because of their pornography use. Which is let's face it what's happening when Lesbians & Gay people are called transphobic for wanting their own advocacy groups. Because gender identity & sexual orientation are not the same thing & they require different actions. 

Radical feminism gave me the tools to free women from domestic violence. But it also reignited my alliance with the lesbian & gay community that I've had since I was born but had felt ripped away from my by abusive men hiding behind the veil of being gay when they are really using it to excuse their misogyny. 

I saw a post by a gay man on twitter whose content I love & who fully supports women's rights. I got choked up reading it & felt compelled to write about Gabe being gay & dying mostly in the closet except for a small group of friends publicly for the first time. It helps that since being permanently banned from Facebook my online community is made up of women I barely know & a few well vetted men instead of local people in my daily life. 

I feel like a social media outlaw. Keith told me the etymology of outlaw the other day. That's why I love him, of course I live outside of the prescribed laws under patriarchy, unprotected by the Kings Law. I'm half a step away from the Gulabi gang & implementing vigilante justice. I already have become a hotline, someone women call first before they call the police. Because calling the police is terrifying & often useless but right now there is no other solution being offered to victims of male violence. 

I have a client & lifelong friend of my mom who recently learned how to shoot a gun. Her & her other retired friends over 65 are learning how to shoot & handle weapons. I fully support them even though I'm the most anti gun advocate in the world. I want to start an all female police force to respond to women's issues. The way that the slave patrols were implemented to control the slave class. I want a female police for to control the male class. 

I call it the United States of Radical Feminism. 

It spans continents & countries. Our only aim is to free women, children, & gender non conforming people from male sexual violence & the culture that grooms people into finding sexual violence acceptable in a democratic society. 

I look forward to gaining more working class allies as time goes on. I have found the middle ground. I've found the middle class. I'm going to take what collective power we have & I am coming for the oligarchs. Whose with me?

Love,

Jackie Fucking Lane 

PS- If by some chance you found this blog through a search engine instead of the link from my own Twitter or Instagram. Find more about my life or my knowledge of feminist herstory @JackieLane2020 on either Instagram or Twitter.  

 

I Am Your Grandma: Child Abuse Part 2

It’s weird that when the government & society finally proved that if it wanted to it could change social norms of how many people are out, until how late, over night. 

I was actually for the lockdown because I didn’t want people do die. 

Now I know less people would die if people hired in nursing homes wore their masks properly because they actually took the virus & the fact that masks help prevent it seriously. 

I’m so fucking misbehaved & anti authoritarian. And yet I just want people to stay the fuck home so that their grandmothers & great grandmothers live as long as possible. 

I have been deeply effected by how many Grandmothers Zack had when he was born. 

I’ve always believed he’s a magical, well mannered, calm kid. By nature. I’m a fucking whacked out freak all the time & everybody knows it. I raised my kid. He’s chill as fuck. But why? The only answer I ever came up with is women, but especially Grandmothers.

 When my son was born in 2006 he had 6 living Grandmothers. 

1 Great Great Grandma who had 8 living adult children, one of whom helped her send out the family Newsletter until she died at age 93. 

3 Great Grandmothers, 2 on my side & 1 on my ex husband’s. 

I’m named after my two Grandmothers Grandma Jackie & Grandma Jean & it was incredibly special to me that my son met both of them & has memories of both of them. 

His other Great Grandma is alive & well & very feisty. At this point she still lives with his Great Grandpa & my son sees them at every holiday when there isn’t a global pandemic going on. They have a daughter, my son's great Aunt & her grandson, who live in a house next door & I’m really glad about that. 

My son & I live next to my parents & it’s been good to see them so easily, when we’ve all had no covid exposure, throughout all of this. 

Where was I going? Oh yeah. Grandmothers. 

My son lives next to one & has lived with the other on & off over the years a few times & they are very close as well. I’m not a perfect mother by any means. When Zack was born I still hadn’t dealt with my childhood trauma. I was very mentally ill. It was my community. My ex husband, my mom, my family who seemed so certain that it was the right thing for me & that I could do this, that I did it. And what a thing to do, 

motherhood is a ride. 

I got choked up & read eyed when I typed that in a way only a mother could understand. 

There just isn’t any other people you care about in the world like your children, or more importantly your grandchildren. All parents know there is a secret club of how you feel when you love a child & that child loves you. I think as adults we need to realize how much control & power we have in those situations. Parenting feels very helpless sometimes but it isn’t, there’s a community around you. But also you have inside you the tools to accomplish things. I was empowered into being a mother by more than just those 6 Grandmothers in my sons life one of whom is my mom. I also had 4 Aunts of my own. 3 sisters of my absent (minded & emotionally) father & another, formerly the best friend, of my mother. 

I had people come into my house & teach me how to be a mother. I also had 7 female cousins & one male cousin who helped me care for Zack all throughout his lifetime. So whatever hardships of economics or sociology we’ve encounter we always come through because of the lineage of our community. 

We also have my Step dad involved in our daily lives & my Uncle, that would be my sons Pop-Pop & Great Uncle, his Mammom’s Brother. I was always sad my son wouldn’t grow up with siblings, I didn’t have siblings & I remember a lot of loneliness as a kid. But even with the pandemic kids aren’t lonely. 

If anything they are overstimulated. 

They FaceTime or zoom or discord server one another. They can be together away from their parents in their room into a world just like we always did with books or TV. Their world is better, it’s built by them for them. They gravitate away from things that adults like. The platforms we like don’t appeal to them, other than to watch & study us. Or to try & be famous. But mostly kids stay towards kid apps & when adults catch on to those apps, kids move to another one, or grow up & the new kids use a new digital landscape. 

I felt socially homeless when I was permanently banned from Facebook but I just joined the Fediverse & I’m really excited. Leaving behind corporate social media isn't easy, I still use Instagram & Twitter @JackieLane2020. 

I haven’t delved into it yet. I stalled out in creating my profile. In a new space I hadn’t yet thought of who I wanted to be. 

My Twitter identity took me a few days to come up with. At least. 

Who am I? 

Now that I’m forbidden from being who I saw myself as, Jackie Lane on Facebook for the past 15 years, 

who do I want to be? 

I can say anything I want again, 

go anywhere I want without being monitored as much. 

I still have to use Facebook for my two local businesses so I can’t even get it out of my life if I wanted to.

It’s partially my fault even. 

No one Sold Facebook back in the day more than I did.

I still miss the Organic Reach stats. I still miss grassroots internet organizing. I miss everyone together arguing at once instead of off in group organized echo chambers. 

I am not even sure where to post this. Should I make a new blog? I probably should. I had intended to make a Patreon a while back. It’s fully designed but more about hair than anything else. I stalled out at giving any corporation a large slice of my earnings. I would rsther do it myself & for free if I can. 

Perhaps a Substack? Somewhere people could send me money if they want to. I don’t like the idea of getting paid for writing. But mainly because most writing today is about getting in the targeted marketing that surrounds the writing. Which I’ve always refused to participate in. 

I will stick to my beloved Blogger for now. Find me here. 

I stalled out at Adsense long ago. I want to advertise my friends. Businesses who are my friends & who help my friends. I don’t want some random algorithm to decide what it thinks is appropriate to be associated with my brand. Maybe corporate #feminism tshirts & necklaces? No idea. I have people & organizations I know personally I want to lend support to, that’s what my grandmothers would do.  

[I found this floating in my phone's notes. I wanted to abandon ship but this is my home. This blog stays with me no matter who I become & I love that it evolves.]

Love , 

Jackie Lane 

Repost from the Web Archive of r/gendercriticalguys

Autogynephilic male here. Big rant about denial of AGP. Grab some popcorn.

EDIT (three days after posting): Big thanks to whoever donated the awards and coins! But, um, I hope you didn't give any real money to Reddit after they bannedr/gendercritical*...*

---

Hi. Aussie autogynephilic male here. GC's favourite kind of person!

Just feeling the need to vent, and maybe help some people make sense of all this trans craziness.

I don't have any grotesque stories of my time as a TIM, because I never quite made it that far (thankfully), but maybe I can help people understand what it's like to have autogynephilia--at least in a mild form.

It's frustrating to see so little discussion of AGP in public discourse, even by people like JK Rowling. To my mind, it's the key, heart, core and crux of the problem with the trans movement today.

Then again, I might just be projecting. We AGPs are nothing if not self-absorbed. ;)

Disclaimers

I'm posting this here because doing so on the GC sister sub would be the height of ironic hypocrisy. "Oh hi ladies, please tell me how awesome I am for courageously talking about AGP, validate me please..."

More seriously, I should note that I'm not actually gender-critical. In fact, learning about AGP and the Blanchard MTF typology made it impossible for me to be gender-critical any longer. That pesky stuff about instinctive HSTS childhood feminine behaviour...

However, I amcritical of current trans ideology and worried about the things we males are getting away with. And there aren't many other places on the net to talk about it.

I'll try to talk GC style while I'm here, using terms like TIM, but under protest. In some cases it can be actively dangerous--especially when talking about the other kind of MTF transsexual (HSTS) who are vulnerable to being 'outed' as male. However, I do agree that 'TIM' and 'he' are useful terms for helping people to see AGPs like me clearly as the men we are, rather than valiantly trying to believe we're somehow 'really' women just because we say so.

Since this is a GC sub, I hope everyone here knows what AGP is, but for the benefit of random internet wanderers:

Autogynephilia is the erotic desire to become a woman. Sometimes it's described as a paraphilia (fetish), sometimes as an inward-directed sexual orientation, and sometimes as an 'erotic target location error' or 'identity inversion'--basically a glitch or bug in your sex drive that makes you want to becomethe object of your desire.

I strongly recommend looking it up, along with the Blanchard MTF typology. Pretty much everything wrong with trans activism these days makes sense once you know about it.

The short version is that there are two--and only two--kinds of MTF transsexual.

One is 'homosexual transsexual' or HSTS: basically the cousins of very feminine gay men--the extreme end of the rainbow. (If you want a dodgy shorthand stereotype, think The Crying Game, or Cindy from Ally McBealif anyone remembers that episode. Blaire White on YouTube is probably HSTS, as is Georgie Stone for the Aussies reading this. Also probably HSTS: Janet Mock, Laverne Cox, Kay Brown, Jazz Jennings, Bailey Jay, and maybe Rhyannon Styles.)

The other is 'autogynephilic transsexual'or AGP: heterosexual males with an erotic desire to be women. AGP can twist our sexuality into pretzels until we seem to be bisexual, asexual, attracted only to men or 'trans lesbians'. Apart from that, we seem like ordinary blokes--because we areordinary blokes. We have trouble passing as women and often shock everyone when we come out as trans.

AGP often, but not always, includes cross-dressing to get off. (The term 'autogynephile' also covers other varieties of this fantasy, like heterosexual transvestites.) Some autogynephiles are more turned on by the idea of having the female body, others by behaving in a stereotypically feminine way, others by having female body functions (like menstruating), and still others by wearing feminine clothes. Most of us probably have a little of everything.

In much of the world, the HSTS type is the most common (think Thai ladyboys). However, in the West, the autogynephilic type is the majority among dysphoria cases.

It's worth keeping in mind that some AGPs will distort their life histories and try to pretend they're HSTS. This can stuff up the data even in academic studies. So just because a TIM passes well, appears only attracted to men (nowadays) and claims to have been super-feminine in childhood doesn't necessarily mean they're genuinely HSTS. [EDIT: Those with more expertise than me will probably get a weary chuckle out of some of the comments on this post...]

It's also likely, although I'm not certain, that AGP comes in mild, moderate and extreme/disordered intensities, just like other paraphilias. Some autogynephiles develop gender dysphoria that requires treatment, but many of us don't. For instance, I don't have dysphoria--I'm not distressed that I'm 'trapped in a male body'--but I would very much like to become a woman. For, uh, reasons.

Two good free PDF books on the subject (albeit a few years old now) are Bailey's The Man who would be Queen and Anne Lawrence's Men Trapped in Men's Bodies.

With all that out of the way ... here's how it went for me

AGP is famously difficult for people to get a handle on--even for we AGPs ourselves. It's also routinely denied, distorted and hushed up by the trans community.

I didn't even know I had it until age 35, even though I thought I was well-informed about sexuality. One of my parents taught sex ed, fer Chrissakes. I read Kinsey biographies for fun. And even I'd never heard of it.

If you met me you wouldn't think I was anything but a bookish, shy, nerdy guy. A bit weird, sure, but in no way naturally feminine or 'gay'.

For as far back as I can remember, I've had a mild but persistent longing to be a woman. It goes right back into childhood, but--importantly--it was a secret fantasy thrill. I wasn't the kind of 'sissy boy' who stresses his parents out because he's always wearing dresses and playing with dolls. (That's sometimes an early sign of the other kind of MTF transsexual, HSTS.) But I wasthe guy who would always plays as a female character in video games, and preferred books and movies with female leads, and got all invested in lesbian shows. (For the record, Cat/Frankie 4 life.) It even included dreams--the profoundly spiritual kind where you see yourself with a female body in the mirror and wake up from going, 'OMG, the universe just sent me a Message about my True Inner Subconscious Feminine Gender Soul Identity! Which was incidentally kind of hot.'

Unlike many AGPs, I wasn't particularly into erotic cross-dressing. I'm more what you'd call an 'anatomic' autogynephile--it's the female body I fantasise about having.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I feel the same way about real women. I'm not one of those guys who thinks a woman in lingerie is hotter than a fully nude one. The point of clothes is to take them off, dammit!

Because of this, I never twigged to the fact that my fantasies had any connection to transvestic fetishism, which I thought was just about the clothes, or to transsexualism (which was, after all, supposed to be about gender identity rather than sexuality). On the other hand, the lack of cross-dressing helped me dodge the intense feelings of shame that many AGPs suffer. But even so, I've used a wig now and then, and I didfind that an excuse to cross-dress (e.g. a fancy dress party) kinda did it for me. This isn't unusual for AGPs--we often have a physical response to cross-dressing even if we thinkwe're not into it.

I'm just old enough to have grown up without the internet having too much influence on my teen years, which may have been a blessing. But I alternated between thinking I had some kind of utterly obscure fetish that nobody else on the planet shared, and thinking that I must be unusually empathetic and sensitive to women because I spent so much time trying to see life from their point of view. (Um...)

At one point I asked my doctor for a karyotype test to see if I had some kind of hidden intersex condition that would explain my strange 'affinity' for women. I don't. This kind of thing isn't unusual among AGPs either.

You might think the sexual nature of a paraphilia would be obvious, and sure, if it were something like 'I want to become a dragon' then it would be. But when it comes to AGP, a lot of us genuinely have trouble figuring out what our feelings mean. 'I'm attracted to women, but I also wish I was a woman and have dreams where I'm a woman... but why? I know intersex and trans people exist, and trans people say it's all about gender identity--so maybe I was born with a female brain?' You end up going in circles trying to puzzle it out. It was hard enough for me, with all my sex-ed knowledge. I can only imagine the maze of confusion and shame other people must go through, trying to work it all out from the weirder corners of the internet.

Until you ask the trans community for advice. And gee willikers, what sensible, evidence-based, scientifically sound advice they give. /sarcasm

Around my 35th birthday I 'cracked my egg' and started secretly identifying as trans. Fortunately I didn't get as far as actually trying to transition. Poking around transgender forums taught me a whole lot about HRT and so on, but nothing about the true nature of my feelings... or why people were trans in the first place. There seemed to be a lot of contradictions. Why were some kids obviously gender nonconforming from an early age, while other people didn't crack their eggs till they were 50? But the general consensus seemed to be, 'If you think you're trans, you probably are!'

Never saw a single reference to Blanchard, the typology or AGP. Not one.

Months later, I was on some unrelated internet surfage when I finally stumbled into GC and discovered the concept of autogynephilia. Talk about a peak trans. I went from sea level to Mt Everest in a single night of horrified Googling.

Analogy time:

Imagine if you were gay, but raised in some remote village where the very concept of males being sexually attracted to other males never even occurred to anyone. There isn't even a word in your language for 'gay'. Or even a way to say 'I am a guy with the hots for other guys'. The very concept is literally unthinkable in your culture.

Then, in your mid-thirties, after years and years of bewilderment at your strange feelings, you stumble onto the fact that 'homosexuality' exists and has been studied for decades, and that millions of other men like you exist. Except... some gay men had conspired to hush up the sexual aspects and insisted that it was all about chaste brotherly companionship. In fact, they destroyed the reputations of anyone who tried to explain what homosexuality was really about.

And, by the way, the gay rights movement is busily renovating the language, rejigging all the laws of sport and prisons and changing rooms, encouraging drastic and unnecessary medical procedures on children, attacking anyone who raises the meekest concern, and demanding that all straight men have sex with them... but that's all totally reasonable, right?

/analogy done

If it's true that we AGPs are prone to narcissistic rage, then guess what, trans rights movement, you've set off my volcano and I'm not happy, Jan. The rainbow warriors didn't get where they are today by being dishonest.

To be clear: I'm not ashamed of having AGP. Any more than a gay man or lesbian should be ashamed of being homosexual. In fact, I'm overjoyed to finally understand myself. Seriously. Like 'yell it from the rooftops' joy. In my view, calling us sicko perverts is counterproductive... although we're giving women plenty of justification these days. That sort of disgust, and the deep shame many AGPs feel, is one of the reasons AGP was hushed up and denied in the first place, because the dysphorics among us couldn't get treatment if we admitted to it. It's contributed to the mess we're in now.

But I am deeply alarmed and concerned by what autogynephilic men like me are doing. Denying and concealing a particular kind of sexuality is dangerous. I'm a man, much as I might wish I wasn't, and I know full well the kind of shenanigans we males try to get away with when nobody's looking.

Especially what we're doing to lesbians. Every time I think about it I want to punch holes in the wall (in a ladylike way, of course). I can't help being a perv, but I can damn well make sure I'm not a creep.

Lies and silence

The fundamental problem with autogynephilia--the thing that makes it such a hated idea among many TIMs--is that it means, with cold and merciless scientific precision, that I'm a male with a paraphilia. Which is exactly what the autogynephilic fantasy wants to deny. It's a snake that eats its own tail.

If I have AGP, I want to believe I'm a woman. I don't want to accept that I have AGP. Because that would mean I'm just a man with a glitchy sex drive.

So AGPs like me end up telling ourselves comforting fictions. For instance:

'AGP doesn't exist.'

So... the hundreds of case histories collected by researchers are all false? And all that feminisation porn out there is made by and consumed by who, exactly?

'AGPs are fetishistic men, but real trans women are totally different. Gender identity has nothing to do with sexuality.'

But... hang on... wouldn't a man with especially intense desire to become a woman take hormones and get surgery? Wouldn't they try to become... a transwoman?

'AGPs are a tiny minority among transwomen.'

Say the people whose own autobiographies read like textbook AGP case histories.

'Women feel sexy about themselves too, so my erotic fantasies of being female are in fact proof that I have a ladybrain!'

Wait, I thought AGP was rare or didn't exist? Now you're saying it's common and proves your female gender identity? Make up your minds.

Besides... you're telling me women get off on ironing or being pregnant or having their periods, just like the fantasies of some AGP males, do they? And they love to just stand naked in the middle of a room and do nothing, because existing while being female is a helluva turn on? And they get wet just by putting on undies in the morning? Yep, that sure sounds like female sexuality. Not male or fetishistic at all.

Incidentally, why do males get embarrassed by their own hard-ons when they cross-dress? Could it be because they're experiencing a male sexual reaction and they don't like it because they want to believe they're female?

'There is no evidence that there are two types of MTF transsexuals. The Blanchard typology has been debunked / discredited / proven false.'

Funny thing, I've spent the last eighteen months trying to find these allegedly definitive disproofs and come up empty. Apart from one or two feeble attempts like the Serano and Moser papers everyone raves about.

On the other hand, the academic work that finds evidence for two types--whether or not they accept AGP--goes back a hundred years and just keeps piling up. Every time I turn around I find another paper. Hirschfeld, Freund, Buhrich and McConaghy (AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OI OI OI sorry), Blanchard, Lawrence, Nuttbrock, that Netherlands team I can never remember the name of, Zahvlin...

Now since I know I'm AGP myself, you could fairly accuse me of confirmation bias. But then you'd have to also admit bias on the part of all those many, many trans activists who really, really don't want AGP to be real. Somehow I think their bias might outweigh mine.

Oh, and even some activists who insist AGP isn't a thing, like ContraPoints, grudgingly admit there do seem to be two 'clusters' of transsexuals.

... Wait, no, what am I saying? There can't possibly be two types. Because if there are two types, then it's obvious why the HSTS type goes trans... 'cos if you're incredibly feminine and gay, living as a woman kinda makes sense. Hey, maybe they're even born with incompletely masculinised brains or something, I dunno. But... it's weird the othertype goes trans. The guys like me. We seem like typical straight blokes. Wouldn't we be better off as typical straight blokes? There must be some kind of inner motivation. Oh, how interesting, guess what, these guys all seem to have one thing in common: fetishistic arousal to the idea of becoming a woman. Which leads us to...

... AGP. Oops.

And that's why we mustn't talk about the two types, folks. Loose lips sink ships.

'Um... trans women are women, so shut up, you TERF.'

By Jove, your well-reasoned argument is irrefutable. I am agog.

So what's the big deal?

Whenever I try to raise my concerns about all this with friends and family, their universal response is 'What's the big deal?'

Examples (from my left-leaning circle):

• A cousin who said he 'supported me on my journey' should I declare myself trans, but warned he and his wife might never speak to me again if I went public about AGP, because it could hurt transwomen. (Um... what about, oh, I don't know, the other 99% of the population?) He also dismisses concerns about TIMs hassling lesbians as a fringe minority.

• A fiftysomething lesbian who finds the whole discussion strange, boring and irrelevant (!!!)

• A female psychologist and sex researcher who has ranted to me about entitled male sexual behaviour... yet doesn't find AGP convincing, doesn't see why it should matter in any case, and (when confronted with evidence of TIMs harassing lesbians for sex) insists that they must be men with some other kind of lesbian-fetish, rather than AGP. Because... well, I think the chain of reasoning goes something like, 'autogynephilic transwomen are transwomen, and we all know transwomen are women, so they'd never act like that.'

• A friend who, when I cautiously suggested that 'some men' might pretend to be trans in order to get into women's spaces, shrugged it off as so rare and unlikely as not to be worth worrying about. We definitelyshouldn't demonise a whole marginalised, oppressed and vulnerable group out of paranoia over something like that. (Ooh, I'm secretly part of a marginalised, oppressed and vulnerable group, am I? Sweet as.) Besides, gender-neutral changing rooms are becoming the norm, aren't they? (Um... are they? Well, she works in the creative arts...) I asked her how she'd respond if I announced I were trans on the spot. She seemed happy to start using female pronouns immediately. This is the same woman who has dropped hints about having suffered traumatic abuse at male hands when younger--possibly sexual--and is usually sharply critical of male privilege. To be fair, though, I didn't actually get to the point of mentioning AGP. I wanted to lead into it by talking about homosexuality first, but it turned out she thought at least 25% of men are gay, which derailed the conversation a little. Again, creative arts...

As far as I can tell, most people I talk to are working from a well-trained mental assumption that 'trans women are women' in the brain or soul somehow. Fair enough; I used to assume that too. They start from that position and then work backwards. AGP is an interesting origin story, but nothing more.

The real implications--that AGP means we're all fundamentally heterosexual males, and that women should be just as wary of us as they are of every other heterosexual male--seem to fly over their heads. Even though I'm standing there going, "Hello? I have AGP and I'm telling you not to extend a free pass to guys like me. Hello? Can you hear me? Is this thing on? Hello?"

Nah... the moment a man says he's a woman, he must have been one all along, welcome, how brave, here's your get-out-of-male-free card. I wonder when Trump will hit on that little trick.

Possibly part of the issue is that I'm Australian. We tend to trail a few years behind the bigger English-speaking countries on most social trends. Trans rights issues don't yet seem to have reached the boiling point of total legal lunacy that they have in the US and UK, so it's not on most people's radar. When you talk about a 'transgender woman' here, I think most people still picture the old-school MTF transsexual who's had surgery, been on hormones for years, might be a bit eccentric but basically keeps themselves to themselves and just gets on with their life. We haven't had a high-profile figure comparable to Bruce Jenner, as far as I know. It's hard to tell for sure what's going on here, though, because online chatter from the US and UK tends to drown us out. Only our right-wing media discusses it, which drives me round the bend.

My personal nightmare (which has already come true)

I suspect (as do many others) that the vast majority of TIMs these days are autogynephilic males who probably don't even have dysphoria, but are just enjoying the sweet sweet bliss of plugging into the Transgender Orgasmatron Matrix and imagining we're women, while society bends over backwards to stroke our pleasure centres. I was ready to do it. I like to think I'm a fairly smart guy, but the siren call of trans activism very nearly got me. I owe GC a huge debt for throwing cold water on my face.

All this increasingly deranged language? 'Assigned male at birth', 'sex is a social construct', 'women and ciswomen' instead of transwomen and women, 'clit' instead of 'penis', on and on and on... It's not just political correctness gone mad. It's not just thought policing and Orwellian newspeak. It's kink. It's fantasy. We've all plugged ourselves into the Matrix while convincing ourselves that we woke up.

And right now the world seems happy to cater to it, because the world hasn't cottoned on to what it's really all about. The barriers have lowered so far that even mild cases like me, who would previously have never seriously considered adopting a trans identity, are clamouring to get through the gate.

I know many women see this whole thing as an orchestrated plot to destroy feminism and put females back in their boxes. You might be right. (That Everyday Feminism site disturbs me.) But my gut feeling at the moment is that it's something more selfish and unconscious. Something typically male, in other words. I don't think a lot of us even notice the damage we're doing as we rampage around in the china shop.

My hot take: We're not delusional, exactly. We're not convincedwe're women, like the guy who's convinced he's Jesus. If we were, we wouldn't get so angry when people refuse to play along; we'd just nod and smile and forgive them. We just really, really, really want to believewe're women. Because it feels so exquisite. We're trying our damndest to stay asleep, but deep down we know it's all a dream. And you just keep on trying to shake us awake with your painful reminders that we aren't women and never can be, that our heart's desire is impossible. We just want you to shut up, you TERFs, so we can stay in bed and live the dream. Oh, whoops, did we smash women's rights in the process? Oh dear, what a shame, but hey, omlettes, as long as we get our kicks.

(Anecdotally, quite a few AGPs do know what's going on and are just as upset as me. But there's a certain coterie of activists who come after any sex researcher or TIM who admits to having AGP and tries to ruin their lives, along with the lives of everyone they know. J Michael Bailey was #1 on their hit list and they've been patrolling us ever since. That was disconcerting to learn. I mean, jeez, paedophiles are hated by pretty much everyone except other paedophiles... but out AGPs are hated by other AGPs. It's a weird world we live in.)

Scary thought: It's hard to get accurate figures, but I've seen estimates (Lawrence 2011) that 3% of males may be autogynephilic to some degree. Now, that includes men whose AGP makes them 'bisexual' or 'asexual' or only attracted to men, and mild cases who are happy to just stick to cross-dressing without identifying as trans.

However, when you realise that lesbians only make up about 1-2% of the female population...

... in other words, the potential pool of AGP males outnumbers lesbians...

... and that a heterosexual male with AGP is quite likely to consider himself a 'trans lesbian' because he still wants sex with women...

... and that males tend to get their way at the expense of females...

... and that paraphilias often come in clusters, i.e. if you're AGP you may well also be into kink/BDSM or any number of other strange things ...

... and that pretty much anyone can identify as trans these days and be instantly believed and have their every whim catered to, without needing a diagnosis for dysphoria ...

... and that most people have no idea there are two distinct types, so that (for example) everyone holds up Georgie Stone as a figurehead for trans rights even though she's almost certainly HSTS rather than AGP...

... and that everybody knows being trans is all about gender identity and being 'trapped in the wrong body from birth', and has absolutely nothing to do with sexuality, how dare you even suggest it, you transphobe...

... hello Cthulhu.

Most days I feel like that guy shouting at passing cars from Invasion of the Bodysnatchers.

Another analogy: Keeping paedophiles from preying on children is hard enough. Imagine how hard it would be if hardly anyone knew paedophilia existed... and anyone who tried to talk about it was fired from child protection agencies or banned from teaching.

I'm not writing all this to wring sympathy from anyone. I'm just trying to say that the denial of autogynephilia doesn't just hurt women and children (and team LGB, and...) It also hurts AGPs ourselves, by misleading us, turning our feelings inside out, and pandering to our selfish desires instead of teaching us restraint. Because if we're women, we must be safe and trustworthy, right?

I came thisclose to throwing my righteous weight behind trans activism, attacking TERFs and hurting the people I love and adore most of all--women--while totally convinced I was a good guy. Or rather girl.

Phew. Okay. Rant over. Happy to answer questions if anyone has them.

Love, 

Jackie Fucking Lane 

See you in Washington D.C. on March 8th for International Women’s Day. Women around the world are being redefined.