It’s weird that when the government & society finally proved that if it wanted to it could change social norms of how many people are out, until how late, over night.
I was actually for the lockdown because I didn’t want people do die.
Now I know less people would die if people hired in nursing homes wore their masks properly because they actually took the virus & the fact that masks help prevent it seriously.
I’m so fucking misbehaved & anti authoritarian. And yet I just want people to stay the fuck home so that their grandmothers & great grandmothers live as long as possible.
I have been deeply effected by how many Grandmothers Zack had when he was born.
I’ve always believed he’s a magical, well mannered, calm kid. By nature. I’m a fucking whacked out freak all the time & everybody knows it. I raised my kid. He’s chill as fuck. But why? The only answer I ever came up with is women, but especially Grandmothers.
When my son was born in 2006 he had 6 living Grandmothers.
1 Great Great Grandma who had 8 living adult children, one of whom helped her send out the family Newsletter until she died at age 93.
3 Great Grandmothers, 2 on my side & 1 on my ex husband’s.
I’m named after my two Grandmothers Grandma Jackie & Grandma Jean & it was incredibly special to me that my son met both of them & has memories of both of them.
His other Great Grandma is alive & well & very feisty. At this point she still lives with his Great Grandpa & my son sees them at every holiday when there isn’t a global pandemic going on. They have a daughter, my son's great Aunt & her grandson, who live in a house next door & I’m really glad about that.
My son & I live next to my parents & it’s been good to see them so easily, when we’ve all had no covid exposure, throughout all of this.
Where was I going? Oh yeah. Grandmothers.
My son lives next to one & has lived with the other on & off over the years a few times & they are very close as well. I’m not a perfect mother by any means. When Zack was born I still hadn’t dealt with my childhood trauma. I was very mentally ill. It was my community. My ex husband, my mom, my family who seemed so certain that it was the right thing for me & that I could do this, that I did it. And what a thing to do,
motherhood is a ride.
I got choked up & read eyed when I typed that in a way only a mother could understand.
There just isn’t any other people you care about in the world like your children, or more importantly your grandchildren. All parents know there is a secret club of how you feel when you love a child & that child loves you. I think as adults we need to realize how much control & power we have in those situations. Parenting feels very helpless sometimes but it isn’t, there’s a community around you. But also you have inside you the tools to accomplish things. I was empowered into being a mother by more than just those 6 Grandmothers in my sons life one of whom is my mom. I also had 4 Aunts of my own. 3 sisters of my absent (minded & emotionally) father & another, formerly the best friend, of my mother.
I had people come into my house & teach me how to be a mother. I also had 7 female cousins & one male cousin who helped me care for Zack all throughout his lifetime. So whatever hardships of economics or sociology we’ve encounter we always come through because of the lineage of our community.
We also have my Step dad involved in our daily lives & my Uncle, that would be my sons Pop-Pop & Great Uncle, his Mammom’s Brother. I was always sad my son wouldn’t grow up with siblings, I didn’t have siblings & I remember a lot of loneliness as a kid. But even with the pandemic kids aren’t lonely.
If anything they are overstimulated.
They FaceTime or zoom or discord server one another. They can be together away from their parents in their room into a world just like we always did with books or TV. Their world is better, it’s built by them for them. They gravitate away from things that adults like. The platforms we like don’t appeal to them, other than to watch & study us. Or to try & be famous. But mostly kids stay towards kid apps & when adults catch on to those apps, kids move to another one, or grow up & the new kids use a new digital landscape.
I felt socially homeless when I was permanently banned from Facebook but I just joined the Fediverse & I’m really excited. Leaving behind corporate social media isn't easy, I still use Instagram & Twitter @JackieLane2020.
I haven’t delved into it yet. I stalled out in creating my profile. In a new space I hadn’t yet thought of who I wanted to be.
My Twitter identity took me a few days to come up with. At least.
Who am I?
Now that I’m forbidden from being who I saw myself as, Jackie Lane on Facebook for the past 15 years,
who do I want to be?
I can say anything I want again,
go anywhere I want without being monitored as much.
I still have to use Facebook for my two local businesses so I can’t even get it out of my life if I wanted to.
It’s partially my fault even.
No one Sold Facebook back in the day more than I did.
I still miss the Organic Reach stats. I still miss grassroots internet organizing. I miss everyone together arguing at once instead of off in group organized echo chambers.
I am not even sure where to post this. Should I make a new blog? I probably should. I had intended to make a Patreon a while back. It’s fully designed but more about hair than anything else. I stalled out at giving any corporation a large slice of my earnings. I would rsther do it myself & for free if I can.
Perhaps a Substack? Somewhere people could send me money if they want to. I don’t like the idea of getting paid for writing. But mainly because most writing today is about getting in the targeted marketing that surrounds the writing. Which I’ve always refused to participate in.
I will stick to my beloved Blogger for now. Find me here.
I stalled out at Adsense long ago. I want to advertise my friends. Businesses who are my friends & who help my friends. I don’t want some random algorithm to decide what it thinks is appropriate to be associated with my brand. Maybe corporate #feminism tshirts & necklaces? No idea. I have people & organizations I know personally I want to lend support to, that’s what my grandmothers would do.
[I found this floating in my phone's notes. I wanted to abandon ship but this is my home. This blog stays with me no matter who I become & I love that it evolves.]
Love ,
Jackie Lane
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