Seeing all the children in the neighborhood lured to his wife's front
lawn on the swing set I gave them makes me vomit when it happens. My
brother also is raising children. #takechildrenawayfromrapists #maybehesnotagoodfatherfiguresincehemolestspeople
Blog post will happen today since I already wrote half of it. Haha
I spent a larger portion of the day today than I'd ever want to admit is necessary arguing with stupid assholes on the internet about their personal moral justifications for child abuse. After posting an article listing the 5 decades of conclusive evidence that spanking is just as psychologically detrimental to human development as other forms of corporeal punishment they consider more severe. But the good news is, I love any day I lose a shitty hater facebook friend because I get to post Freddie Mercury singing Another One Bites The Dust. I just so happened to tell my new friend about that on Saturday because I saw a local female singer cover it. We were both relieved and impressed to find a female fronted band. I wish that more than one member would be female. It sucks to hear someone say that a female fronted band is refreshing no matter how good they are. There are so few of them we can not compare for taste or quality because women should just be happy we hear them at all right?
Greg Foss tried to tell me we were having an open relationship. Because he knows I believe in them. I am well aware of my ability to be IN LOVE with everyone all the time. That doesn't mean I can't appreciate that there are lines you don't cross morally when you've agreed to any level of monogamy. That having agreed to any level of monogamy means you are cheating if you act on any of the positive feelings you have towards other people. I have always known and believed in that. As a matter of fact, after befriending my husband for a few months before we started going out I regretted for a long time how open I had been with him. Everyone who kept all their secrets and demons in closets seemed to me to really have their shit together.
Little did I know, the beauty of my husband and I's relationship is that we were truly friends and equals before we were in a romantic relationship. When we met we were not each others type and didn't have a lot of mutual friends, we just got along great and talked constantly and had a great time laughing, playing music, drinking milkshakes, & playing games whenever we were together. Even though there was no pressure on the relationship placed on us there was from outside influences.
I had an ex who I kept having sexual encounters with before I ended that entirely and started dating my husband. But it was only about a month between when one ended and another began and when I got pregnant with my son right away I was terrified I would have been pregnant longer than I thought, like had happened to many friends, and that it was my ex's instead of my future husbands. Luckily I found out Right away. I was only 4 weeks pregnant, which is really like 2 weeks after ovulation when I knew. I was sick immediately being super over sensitive and knowing my body really well up until that point and my life wasn't ruined then. My husband and I got lucky to spend those 4 years we did just hanging out enjoying my son's childhood.
Right before my husband & I officially started "going out" a mutual friend of both of ours, who I barely knew, asked me if I was my husband's girlfriend. I wasn't and in prior experiences with men it had gone poorly if I thought a friendship would lead to more so I said no of course not. This encounter hurt my husband's feelings and mine and confused us both since labels seemed irrelevant to either of us. The man who asked me that and caused a hiccup in my relationship has raped at least 2 of the women my husband & I are mutually acquainted with. He moves away and comes back to the area occasionally and is still widely respected and beloved among our group of friends. Just like the man who raped me will remain unless I continue to come clean about how this happens.
You wanna see the correlation between abused kids and mall goth kid culture? Just look at what Corey Feldman is going through. Porn culture and child abuse is obviously influencing his decision making at this point. He's further objectifying himself AND the women he keeps in his house under contract because he exposed massive amounts of child abuse and literally no one in the media reacted at all. They just made jokes about his best friend's suicide on morning TV. I read his book, he and Elijah Wood should be listened to. If a slew of females with massive public meltdowns isn't evidence enough, can't we listen to the men who suffer the same fate at the idol hands of executives who own their futures and their paychecks?
The week I stopped talking to "my best friend" he told me his wife was abducted and raped by a neighbor when she was the same age our children were at the time. He told me that no one believed her and that she was taught "women make these things up for attention." In my mind that would mean she would want to be free from being raped and abused by a narcissist all the time. I told her he's cheated on her with me for years, including the year I married them to one another. He's cheated on her with every single female friend he keeps around. He doesn't even know how to have another kind of relationship. He even told me he would fuck his male best friend in the ass if he would let him.
That being said. I didn't expect when I told her about the years of sexual encounters and lying he did to her that she was going to tell me "you're making this up for attention." That's actually what she said. Oh and be nice to my husband, even though he's the one who was begging me to tell the truth all those years since our relationship and friendship even had been developed through sharing everything. We wanted to get back to that.
We are starting to get back to that now. I feel finally that I have no more secrets. No gotchas anyone can come out later and say to me that I haven't already said myself. Someone yesterday on Facebook tried to accuse me of not taking responsibility for my actions. When in fact society is set up that it would have greatly preferred had I just never said anything at all. If I hadn't confessed the infidelity. If I hadn't told anyone that "my best friend" was really someone who grooms and rapes women and doesn't have a job or life skill or anything else to offer anyone the world wouldn't constantly be telling me to SHUT UP.
It's weird because while I was begging Greg to tell his wife, for her sake in my mind at the time, and he was promising me he would. He was also telling me that this might happen. That that she might just FLAT OUT refuse to believe that he cheated on her for so long, so many times, with so many women. I just couldn't believe anyone could do that until she said to me verbatim the words that were said to her as a kid, "women make this up for attention" and at that point I hadn't used the word rape. That was in November and it took me until he threatened me in January to realize I had SCREAMED NO and he had anal sex with me anyway while I screamed (during the first encounter in 2016 outside their house in my car) and that was the definition of rape. I just couldn't IMAGINE it happened to me. My brain would not allow for the fact that all those years Tess and I had been in love with a rapist. Someone well aware they get off on rape which was why he constantly told me, "I'm not a good person." I always argued with him. About everything. But especially this. I loved him more than I loved myself. I tried to save his life and his family over and over again and he never once returned the favor.
The two days leading up to telling his wife were the day before the election of Donald Trump and the day of. The night before when my tenant Larry was screaming at me and humiliating my in public. "My Best Friend" didn't even Try to stop him. He didn't say, "hey man". He didn't say "stop." He's worse than a coward. He's an opportunist. He didn't intervene whatsoever, cause he thought he could keep the band and keep the girl he had living in my house to fuck across the street. AND HE DID FROM NOVEMBER TO FEBRUARY because they had legal possession of my house and I had to take them to court to remove them because they are not respectful adults. They are user drug addict squatters who think the world OWES them something. And instead of help me since he got me into that situation and say, "Jackie is right, call the electric company and have them change the lead in line and stop cursing her out in public..."
He claimed it had nothing to do with him. He claimed he couldn't help me and I was on my own.
So I handled things my way. I confessed to my husband and every friend I still had left who would listen the details of my life for the prior 6 years and tried to warn the people around me of how dangerous my ex friends were. I tried to talk to the women closest to him to give them a heads up but it seems as though he has already groomed them by A. the way they talk about him. B. they way they dye their hair. C. the fact that they all start dressing more childlike. That last one is the one piece of information that bothers me most. I noticed that the woman he got high and drunk and fucked after me was ALSO dressing more juvenile and "little girl" like while they were hanging out. That is the same symptom I noticed of the woman who lived in my house. Mocha Coco was using an alias on Instagram that contained the same name as Greg's younger daughter. But his was 999 and hers was 666. HOW CUTE. Also because those women were reporting every word I said back to him. Like he used to try to get me to talk to Mocha Coco and Tess for him and see what they had to say.
Even though I know his wife is in complete denial. I just keep wishing I could tell the kids therapists which I know they still go to. I wish that the people entrusted with their medical care knew they came from a severely alcoholic and drug addicted environment and were treating them with this kind of emotional abuse in mind instead of entirely hidden, with the kids trained to hide it and accept it as normal. I wish that their therapists were aware of how emotionally abusive it is to pretend to them that none of this happened. Oh and how psychologically abusive it is to tell children, that someone who cared for them for a decade wants to hurt them. Telling the truth about the fact that their dad is a raging alcoholic with massive medical and mental problems because of it, isn't hurting them. Kids know. Especially genius kids.
You can decide to stay with your spouse when fucked up things happen. And in fact that is sort of what makes them your spouse. My husband and I while living separate were still inextricably tied. I can imagine for people who want to entirely erase their marriage and prior life this would be an awful side effect. For us it was good because no matter how much I felt a wall between us the more lies Greg made me construct around me, we never stopped talking, we never stopped being friends even when I was being the worst friend ever to him.
I thought I would die. Greg told me that my husband would kill me. He told me that his wife would kill me and kill him. Little did he know, she doesn't even acknowledge it's a real thing that happened to all of us. I honestly thought at the time that he would be the one who killed all of us. Being the only one obsessed with guns and actual violence.
People keep telling me I need counseling. But the internet is my counseling. I went to therapists simultaneously while blogging online actively from age 15 to age 20. The internet helped me, my counseling didn't. I stopped when I had my son and became very afraid of the brutal honesty I had grown accustomed to. Grown ups didn't know how to find my livejournal. They didn't know what a blog was. They wouldn't be bothered to take the time to read it. Now they were all on Facebook telling me to stop being who I had been on the internet since the conception of my adult self.
While I was spilling my guts on the JLaneLove blog from 2011 to 2012 before and after Hurricane Sandy my family knew about it but didn't necessarily read what I said. Not all the way. They didn't take it in, I could tell by the way they responded to me. I was never this honest with a therapist, I can tell you that much.
My husband is afraid of this new iteration of me. Of the new blog. What will his family & friends think. Which is funny because he doesn't usually care what other people think at all of himself, he is afraid for me. Rape though. People want to blame women for that. Talking about sex at all is taboo. But this isn't just sex. It is me recovering from violence and seeing real violence, and being so close to it I could smell it and taste it. I was a sensitive person from when I was born. I have always been told so. I am still can tell on a regular basis that my crying hard is an unacceptable social behavior. I try to keep it to my mom and my husband mainly, but I can tell even they want it to be less. I keep it often to while I'm driving around. Always while I'm in the shower. I cry a lot and I always have. Greg told me that when he was gone no one was going to listen to me anymore. That no one would care that I cry about these things. I know he was wrong.
This is my proving him wrong. Someone will care that girls are raped and abused. It can start with one. And in fact since my "Donald Trump has been elected and I officially live in a post apocalyptic society" moment, I have met many people who feel the way I do. They just feel that way more silently. But I can tell in their actions. They want to go to work and perfect their crafts, they want to make art. Small businesses are blossoming. Community centers are opening. Mobile anarcho-library-kitchens are happening. They may be a lot less specific than my art. Blogging is a most raw form of art. It's talking about your only perspective in the present moment, instead of painting something in your mind, or from the past or future.
I got banned from my Jackie Lane Facebook page for 7 days for saying the word Dyke, in solidarity about lesbian erasure, ironically, of all things. Jack Lane on the other hand can say he likes to watch dikes making out, and that she's a shitty feminist cunt, and nobody bats an eye. I have been posting SO MUCH on Facebook since I got it back. Every time someone says they have me hidden I take it as a victory. I know that person also will come look at it all at once periodically. But the protest is that there is a RIGHT way to social media. The protest is that there is a right way to process your traumas in life. If sharing mine for other people's comfort is how I process mine, that is my prerogative. I actually would prefer if everyone would just spit it out and tell me forcefully exactly what they mean all the time at the same time they are wishing I would shut up. The other solution is to find the people you connect with and don't try and force a connection that was never there.
I have a strange perspective. My husband and I's best friend was also the person who hurt me. But I just wish none of that was real. I wish he had just slept on our couch. I had married them. We had raised out kids together. I wish he had never lied to me. I always knew I wasn't his best friend, he's nobody friend, he's just a pile of favors. But I liked him anyway. I miss listening to he and my husband play music in my living room before any of this happened. I eventually loved him. It taught me good things about people and myself. I can find whatever light is left in anyone. I naturally want to forgive. I naturally am compelled to do the right thing. Anxiety comes from living a life you don't want to live. You don't have to. You can do whatever you want. I know it seems like you can't, like you are trapped in a small space. But it's all a choice. You can move.
Until Next Time...
Mister Jackie Fucking Lane
Blog post will happen today since I already wrote half of it. Haha
I spent a larger portion of the day today than I'd ever want to admit is necessary arguing with stupid assholes on the internet about their personal moral justifications for child abuse. After posting an article listing the 5 decades of conclusive evidence that spanking is just as psychologically detrimental to human development as other forms of corporeal punishment they consider more severe. But the good news is, I love any day I lose a shitty hater facebook friend because I get to post Freddie Mercury singing Another One Bites The Dust. I just so happened to tell my new friend about that on Saturday because I saw a local female singer cover it. We were both relieved and impressed to find a female fronted band. I wish that more than one member would be female. It sucks to hear someone say that a female fronted band is refreshing no matter how good they are. There are so few of them we can not compare for taste or quality because women should just be happy we hear them at all right?
Greg Foss tried to tell me we were having an open relationship. Because he knows I believe in them. I am well aware of my ability to be IN LOVE with everyone all the time. That doesn't mean I can't appreciate that there are lines you don't cross morally when you've agreed to any level of monogamy. That having agreed to any level of monogamy means you are cheating if you act on any of the positive feelings you have towards other people. I have always known and believed in that. As a matter of fact, after befriending my husband for a few months before we started going out I regretted for a long time how open I had been with him. Everyone who kept all their secrets and demons in closets seemed to me to really have their shit together.
Little did I know, the beauty of my husband and I's relationship is that we were truly friends and equals before we were in a romantic relationship. When we met we were not each others type and didn't have a lot of mutual friends, we just got along great and talked constantly and had a great time laughing, playing music, drinking milkshakes, & playing games whenever we were together. Even though there was no pressure on the relationship placed on us there was from outside influences.
I had an ex who I kept having sexual encounters with before I ended that entirely and started dating my husband. But it was only about a month between when one ended and another began and when I got pregnant with my son right away I was terrified I would have been pregnant longer than I thought, like had happened to many friends, and that it was my ex's instead of my future husbands. Luckily I found out Right away. I was only 4 weeks pregnant, which is really like 2 weeks after ovulation when I knew. I was sick immediately being super over sensitive and knowing my body really well up until that point and my life wasn't ruined then. My husband and I got lucky to spend those 4 years we did just hanging out enjoying my son's childhood.
Right before my husband & I officially started "going out" a mutual friend of both of ours, who I barely knew, asked me if I was my husband's girlfriend. I wasn't and in prior experiences with men it had gone poorly if I thought a friendship would lead to more so I said no of course not. This encounter hurt my husband's feelings and mine and confused us both since labels seemed irrelevant to either of us. The man who asked me that and caused a hiccup in my relationship has raped at least 2 of the women my husband & I are mutually acquainted with. He moves away and comes back to the area occasionally and is still widely respected and beloved among our group of friends. Just like the man who raped me will remain unless I continue to come clean about how this happens.
You wanna see the correlation between abused kids and mall goth kid culture? Just look at what Corey Feldman is going through. Porn culture and child abuse is obviously influencing his decision making at this point. He's further objectifying himself AND the women he keeps in his house under contract because he exposed massive amounts of child abuse and literally no one in the media reacted at all. They just made jokes about his best friend's suicide on morning TV. I read his book, he and Elijah Wood should be listened to. If a slew of females with massive public meltdowns isn't evidence enough, can't we listen to the men who suffer the same fate at the idol hands of executives who own their futures and their paychecks?
The week I stopped talking to "my best friend" he told me his wife was abducted and raped by a neighbor when she was the same age our children were at the time. He told me that no one believed her and that she was taught "women make these things up for attention." In my mind that would mean she would want to be free from being raped and abused by a narcissist all the time. I told her he's cheated on her with me for years, including the year I married them to one another. He's cheated on her with every single female friend he keeps around. He doesn't even know how to have another kind of relationship. He even told me he would fuck his male best friend in the ass if he would let him.
That being said. I didn't expect when I told her about the years of sexual encounters and lying he did to her that she was going to tell me "you're making this up for attention." That's actually what she said. Oh and be nice to my husband, even though he's the one who was begging me to tell the truth all those years since our relationship and friendship even had been developed through sharing everything. We wanted to get back to that.
We are starting to get back to that now. I feel finally that I have no more secrets. No gotchas anyone can come out later and say to me that I haven't already said myself. Someone yesterday on Facebook tried to accuse me of not taking responsibility for my actions. When in fact society is set up that it would have greatly preferred had I just never said anything at all. If I hadn't confessed the infidelity. If I hadn't told anyone that "my best friend" was really someone who grooms and rapes women and doesn't have a job or life skill or anything else to offer anyone the world wouldn't constantly be telling me to SHUT UP.
It's weird because while I was begging Greg to tell his wife, for her sake in my mind at the time, and he was promising me he would. He was also telling me that this might happen. That that she might just FLAT OUT refuse to believe that he cheated on her for so long, so many times, with so many women. I just couldn't believe anyone could do that until she said to me verbatim the words that were said to her as a kid, "women make this up for attention" and at that point I hadn't used the word rape. That was in November and it took me until he threatened me in January to realize I had SCREAMED NO and he had anal sex with me anyway while I screamed (during the first encounter in 2016 outside their house in my car) and that was the definition of rape. I just couldn't IMAGINE it happened to me. My brain would not allow for the fact that all those years Tess and I had been in love with a rapist. Someone well aware they get off on rape which was why he constantly told me, "I'm not a good person." I always argued with him. About everything. But especially this. I loved him more than I loved myself. I tried to save his life and his family over and over again and he never once returned the favor.
The two days leading up to telling his wife were the day before the election of Donald Trump and the day of. The night before when my tenant Larry was screaming at me and humiliating my in public. "My Best Friend" didn't even Try to stop him. He didn't say, "hey man". He didn't say "stop." He's worse than a coward. He's an opportunist. He didn't intervene whatsoever, cause he thought he could keep the band and keep the girl he had living in my house to fuck across the street. AND HE DID FROM NOVEMBER TO FEBRUARY because they had legal possession of my house and I had to take them to court to remove them because they are not respectful adults. They are user drug addict squatters who think the world OWES them something. And instead of help me since he got me into that situation and say, "Jackie is right, call the electric company and have them change the lead in line and stop cursing her out in public..."
He claimed it had nothing to do with him. He claimed he couldn't help me and I was on my own.
So I handled things my way. I confessed to my husband and every friend I still had left who would listen the details of my life for the prior 6 years and tried to warn the people around me of how dangerous my ex friends were. I tried to talk to the women closest to him to give them a heads up but it seems as though he has already groomed them by A. the way they talk about him. B. they way they dye their hair. C. the fact that they all start dressing more childlike. That last one is the one piece of information that bothers me most. I noticed that the woman he got high and drunk and fucked after me was ALSO dressing more juvenile and "little girl" like while they were hanging out. That is the same symptom I noticed of the woman who lived in my house. Mocha Coco was using an alias on Instagram that contained the same name as Greg's younger daughter. But his was 999 and hers was 666. HOW CUTE. Also because those women were reporting every word I said back to him. Like he used to try to get me to talk to Mocha Coco and Tess for him and see what they had to say.
Even though I know his wife is in complete denial. I just keep wishing I could tell the kids therapists which I know they still go to. I wish that the people entrusted with their medical care knew they came from a severely alcoholic and drug addicted environment and were treating them with this kind of emotional abuse in mind instead of entirely hidden, with the kids trained to hide it and accept it as normal. I wish that their therapists were aware of how emotionally abusive it is to pretend to them that none of this happened. Oh and how psychologically abusive it is to tell children, that someone who cared for them for a decade wants to hurt them. Telling the truth about the fact that their dad is a raging alcoholic with massive medical and mental problems because of it, isn't hurting them. Kids know. Especially genius kids.
You can decide to stay with your spouse when fucked up things happen. And in fact that is sort of what makes them your spouse. My husband and I while living separate were still inextricably tied. I can imagine for people who want to entirely erase their marriage and prior life this would be an awful side effect. For us it was good because no matter how much I felt a wall between us the more lies Greg made me construct around me, we never stopped talking, we never stopped being friends even when I was being the worst friend ever to him.
I thought I would die. Greg told me that my husband would kill me. He told me that his wife would kill me and kill him. Little did he know, she doesn't even acknowledge it's a real thing that happened to all of us. I honestly thought at the time that he would be the one who killed all of us. Being the only one obsessed with guns and actual violence.
People keep telling me I need counseling. But the internet is my counseling. I went to therapists simultaneously while blogging online actively from age 15 to age 20. The internet helped me, my counseling didn't. I stopped when I had my son and became very afraid of the brutal honesty I had grown accustomed to. Grown ups didn't know how to find my livejournal. They didn't know what a blog was. They wouldn't be bothered to take the time to read it. Now they were all on Facebook telling me to stop being who I had been on the internet since the conception of my adult self.
While I was spilling my guts on the JLaneLove blog from 2011 to 2012 before and after Hurricane Sandy my family knew about it but didn't necessarily read what I said. Not all the way. They didn't take it in, I could tell by the way they responded to me. I was never this honest with a therapist, I can tell you that much.
My husband is afraid of this new iteration of me. Of the new blog. What will his family & friends think. Which is funny because he doesn't usually care what other people think at all of himself, he is afraid for me. Rape though. People want to blame women for that. Talking about sex at all is taboo. But this isn't just sex. It is me recovering from violence and seeing real violence, and being so close to it I could smell it and taste it. I was a sensitive person from when I was born. I have always been told so. I am still can tell on a regular basis that my crying hard is an unacceptable social behavior. I try to keep it to my mom and my husband mainly, but I can tell even they want it to be less. I keep it often to while I'm driving around. Always while I'm in the shower. I cry a lot and I always have. Greg told me that when he was gone no one was going to listen to me anymore. That no one would care that I cry about these things. I know he was wrong.
This is my proving him wrong. Someone will care that girls are raped and abused. It can start with one. And in fact since my "Donald Trump has been elected and I officially live in a post apocalyptic society" moment, I have met many people who feel the way I do. They just feel that way more silently. But I can tell in their actions. They want to go to work and perfect their crafts, they want to make art. Small businesses are blossoming. Community centers are opening. Mobile anarcho-library-kitchens are happening. They may be a lot less specific than my art. Blogging is a most raw form of art. It's talking about your only perspective in the present moment, instead of painting something in your mind, or from the past or future.
I got banned from my Jackie Lane Facebook page for 7 days for saying the word Dyke, in solidarity about lesbian erasure, ironically, of all things. Jack Lane on the other hand can say he likes to watch dikes making out, and that she's a shitty feminist cunt, and nobody bats an eye. I have been posting SO MUCH on Facebook since I got it back. Every time someone says they have me hidden I take it as a victory. I know that person also will come look at it all at once periodically. But the protest is that there is a RIGHT way to social media. The protest is that there is a right way to process your traumas in life. If sharing mine for other people's comfort is how I process mine, that is my prerogative. I actually would prefer if everyone would just spit it out and tell me forcefully exactly what they mean all the time at the same time they are wishing I would shut up. The other solution is to find the people you connect with and don't try and force a connection that was never there.
I have a strange perspective. My husband and I's best friend was also the person who hurt me. But I just wish none of that was real. I wish he had just slept on our couch. I had married them. We had raised out kids together. I wish he had never lied to me. I always knew I wasn't his best friend, he's nobody friend, he's just a pile of favors. But I liked him anyway. I miss listening to he and my husband play music in my living room before any of this happened. I eventually loved him. It taught me good things about people and myself. I can find whatever light is left in anyone. I naturally want to forgive. I naturally am compelled to do the right thing. Anxiety comes from living a life you don't want to live. You don't have to. You can do whatever you want. I know it seems like you can't, like you are trapped in a small space. But it's all a choice. You can move.
Until Next Time...
Mister Jackie Fucking Lane
No comments:
Post a Comment